I've tried to explain to him time and time again
why whenever I like someone,
I expect to end up dating them.
I'm just one of those people who believe that if you wanna do something,
there's gotta be a reason behind it
or else I'm wasting my time.
But he doesn't understand.
"You're over thinking it."
he tells me.
"It's okay to have a little crush and not want something to come out of it."
he tries to explain.
And I get that.
I understand it.
But my mind and heart are two separate entities,
and one will function without the other,
leaving me bleeding from both.
Loving is essentially what kills me.
Whenever I love something,
it's always unrequited.
And he doesn't get that.
Just because he's never wanted a relationship
doesn't mean that I don't want one either.
And that's perfectly normal in high school.
All I want is to be loved,
and he expects me to believe that his love is enough to fix that.
But there's a huge emotional gap between
someone who always talks to you
and someone who is actually your other half.
I wish I knew what it felt like to be in love.
Just to have experienced it,
so when it hits me,
I'll know what to expect.
I love this blog.
When I don't have anyone to talk to,
anyone who would understand me,
I know that I can say anything on here,
even if it's only to get an insecure idea off my chest.
I need to write.
It's a meditation for me.
all in all,
I would rather be alone and be able to write,
than have the most awesome boyfriend in the world,
and be restricted from writing.
But having both of these would be nice, too.