Friday, July 30, 2010

Ocean Winds

Well hey,
sorry it's been so long.
I was busy thinking...

losing someone like him seems to be
the hardest thing
that you will ever do.
But here's my theory.

You've been preparing for this loss all your life.
Through all the obstacles you encounter in life,
your body and mind prepare you to bounce back
and to keep moving forward.

I didn't know what I was going to do.
I promised myself that I would never let him go
never let him slip through my fingers
but my grasp was so tight
that I killed him.

I never wanted this to happen to you,
but I couldn't bear to see you go.
I was caught between a rock and a hard place,
but when the time came,
I wanted to let you go.
I knew that I couldn't keep playing games with my mind
knowing that we would both lose in the end.

So I moved on,
big whoop.
Adults do it everyday,
and so now I see that I'm finally growing up.

Welcome to the real world, Hannah.
It's time to jump with confidence into a sea of fears
and to let go of the past.

Saturday, July 24, 2010


they always say
[i]f it's meant to be
it will be

but man oh man
how [d]o y[o]u know whe[n] to put in effort and when [t]o

things have [w]orked out this w[a]y for a long time [n]ow
(over a mon[t]h)
but i don'[t] know if it's meant t[o] happen

tomorrow's my [l]ast chance
bef[o]re autumn
to take a ri[s]k and jump

[e]xcept i'm so afraid of falling slowl[y]

and i don't kn[o]w if yo[u] will be there to catch me.

[and that's my biggest fear.]

Tuesday, July 20, 2010


So I'm combing the lyrics from different songs to make a new song that describes my life.
Here goes: (kudos to anyone who can name all the different songs)

I can't tell you what it really is
I can only tell you what it feels like 

and right now there's a steel knife 
in my windpipe 
I never told you what I should’ve said 
I never meant to cause you trouble
Nobody said it was easy, 
it’s such a shame for us to part, 
nobody said it was easy, 
no one ever said it would be this hard

I’ll never be your beast of burden
You’re my flower child and I’m your forget-me-not
I know all you needed was me

And I stare at the phone, 
he still hasn’t called 
and then you feel so low 
you can’t feel nothing at all
Cause he can get the knockout
Forget about the sunshine when it’s gone

I’ll never be your beast of burden
You’re my flower child and I’m your forget-me-not
I know all you needed was me

Love is not a victory march, 
it’s a cold and it’s a broken hallelujah

I’ll never be your beast of burden
You’re my flower child and I’m your forget-me-not
I know all you needed was me

Saturday, July 17, 2010


in the night
in my head
I scream.

But last night I promised myself,
I promised the world,
and I promised the universe,
that never would I ever
become the monster you don't want.

I will never be that
drama loving,
attention hogging,
internet relying,
cougar acting,
over protective
beast of burden
that I have been in my past.

Every time I swear I will change,
but a new problem always arises instead.

But I've never ever wanted someone this badly,
needed them so much that it hurts my head,
and aches my bones.
I will change for you.

Thursday, July 15, 2010


I think it was a half-year reunion,
in the winter,
in the snow.
5 days,
4 nights,
and I hadn't seen you in forever.
So I looked and looked,
and I promised to all my friends
that tonight,
the last night,
I would kiss you.
But you didn't even show up.

I think it was the next day,
but I was at the beach,
and he was there.
So we talked,
and hung out,
and waited for the tide to roll in.
And when it did,
our beds were in the water
so I crawled into mine
and he tucked me in.
I remember,
I thought,
he's going to kiss me.
He's going to kiss me.
And the weirdest part is,
is that I don't think I would have minded if he kissed me.
I might have even liked it-
but then I woke up.

Wednesday, July 14, 2010


You are my sunshine,
my only sunshine.

You make me happy,
when skies are grey.

You'll never know, dear,
how much I love you.

So please don't take,
my sunshine away.

To everyone I'm missing right now:
I love you and I hope you never leave my life!

Sometimes when you go through hard times,
there's only one person who can get you through
and so I want to thank you for all the times you have saved me.

Sometimes you fall for the wrong people,
in the wrong time and nothing turns out right,
but for some reason almost everything about us is working.
I hope to have more days where I wake up knowing I'll get to see your face again.

Tuesday, July 13, 2010


It kinda went something like this:

She says: Why are you crying?

I think: Because I'm lonely and depressed.
I say: Because I like to.

She says: That doesn't sound normal.

I think: I've never really been normal, so what's the surprise?
I say: I think I have a problem. Like a disease or something.

She says: Like what?

I think: Depression. But you wouldn't know cause you've missed out on my whole past 5 years of life and it's all MY fault.
I say: I don't know. Maybe ADHD or something.  Or maybe depression.


She says: Well maybe we could take you to a therapist sometime.  Your cousins Julian and Nick go.

I think: Julian? But he's just a little kid! and you're too late anyways.  Three years too late.
I say:  I hate people.

She says: Hannah-

She walks away.

I slink into the kitchen and stick my face under the sink faucet and try to wash away my skin.

Monday, July 12, 2010


It's that moment when you realize that you took the wrong path.

There's nothing you can do,
because it's already too late,
and this whole time you were pushing it back
into your past
so you wouldn't have to deal with it again.

You never planned on having it come back to haunt you.

And now you understand that the path you chose will take you no where.
But this road is your life,
and you can't abandon ship now
or your whole existence would have been for nothing.

the only thing you live for,
the one light in a dark space,
is the very thing that strangles you.


I was just standing and waiting and looking at my feet.

And then I realized-the elevator's not moving...

Saturday, July 10, 2010


It's crazy how soon things can change in minutes, hours, and days.

And my god, how I miss you.

I don't even know how to think anymore.

This empty presence inside of me grows larger every day
until I am doubling over in pain on the bathroom floor
your name out loud
just so I can hear someone say it again
to know that you're still real.

But I don't want to know that you exist
because that would mean that maybe,
you are ignoring me.
And maybe,
you don't want to hear from me ever again.
And maybe,
you've moved on and maybe you've found someone else and maybe we'll never get to be together and maybe after all this waiting and praying, maybe I've wasted my time and maybe and maybe and maybe-
but I have no clue.

And I would never admit to wanting to keep you
because no one but you understands why
and when no one but you knows who I am,
you can't trust anyone.

Friday, July 9, 2010

Lou Dog

If anyone was watching,
they would've seen her running through the field
with scratches and bug bites all cut up on her legs
and they would've seen her wearing
a Ralph Lauren hot pink swim suit with ruffles
and Havianas flip flops just like the beach.

They would've seen her race into the woods
as fast as her legs could work
and they would've seen her run straight into the log
and the 2 parallel lines of blood
slipping down her right leg.

They would've seen her kick off the muddy shoes
and tip toe over the slimy rocks
into the shallow water
and they would've seen her belly flop straight into the current
and come up gasping for air
as the cold drug seeped into her skin.

They would've seen her leap onto shore,
blood freshly dripping onto her feet
and quickly run back through the woods
wishing that she wasn't so far into reality.

If anyone had been watching,
they would've seen her and smiled.
They might've laughed.

And he did.
Watching from behind the pine tree,
Knowing she was a klutz
and silently laughing when she cut her leg,
and praying she'd come back after the entered the forest.

Because he,
with his scrawny little white body
and crazy in awe back muscles,
has known her since she was a baby.

And she doesn't even know.