Saturday, January 30, 2010


Life is such a fucking roller coaster then it drops,
but what should I scream for? this is my theme park.

Tuesday, January 26, 2010


I am a chaser.
Every where I go I do all the work.
No matter who I long for,
my yield is always worthless.

I am a chaser.
It's a foolish game to play.
Once the game is up,
I retire and find a new toy.

I am a chaser.
I never lose, but my victory is a shame.
Hardly human in morals,
But unhealthily addictive.

I used to be a chaser.
Now I am the runner.
Fly, fly away,
Until no one can see me.

I have a new blog~
please visit

Monday, January 25, 2010

Two Families

So my last post was not very mysterious of any sort, so I apologize, but a girl can be vague for only a short while before spilling all her feelings...
So I am faced with another dilemma here:
To risk it all for love, a huge jump when you don't know his feelings.
A deja vu of that night, but hopefully better.
If worse, there is no loss, other than losing someone who could have connected with me better.

In the end, sometimes you have to take risks in life or you will have nothing to be remembered for. except maybe a lazy, worthless couch potato whom I seem to be when I'm not in the pool. Actually, recently my couch potatoness has been rubbing off on my work in the pool and it is making me look like an idiot when I play, and also to FEEL like an idiot. grrr what is wrong with me.

Every step I take to improve only brings me down in the light of my companions.

Where do I really belong? It's time to choose my family.
A family is supposed to love one another equally, and no matter if you fight or do something stupid, you stick together and hold out for one another in the end. So why aren't you holding out for me?!?! A family TRUSTS one another, and I'm not feeling any trust down at this end. It's time for someone to pull up their slack, or you're not my family anymore.
I can be there in mind and body, but my heart and soul may belong somewhere else.
I can commit to whatever they want with no emotion, because I've already wasted it all on what they don't even appreciate.

Sunday, January 24, 2010


So I was kinda supposed to have a superblogbuddy weekend with my superblogbuddy because I have the first no homework weekend since like 8 grade. Unfortunately, I got preoccupied with things such as basketball games, girls named Deva, washing my dog, and raking the yard. Great. Now my mom just came home so I prob won't get to write much anyways, but I just wanted to comment on my many buddies whom I love.
First of all I would like to say to my many buddies out there: My blog is NOT my diary!!! I do write about my life but it's NOT the stuff I write in my diary so don't flip out and say I'm putting stuff that's too personal online. Cause really, sometimes I write vaguely and my diary is all my being a girl and flipping out about the world.
Anyways, here's a list of my buddies:
Superblogbuddy! you know who you are...looove you foreveerr!!!
Creampuffbuddy: you can always make me smile :)
Foreignbuddy: you know where alllll the parties and allll the alcohol is at, all the time, no matter what. I don't even relly benefit from this knowledge, but i do benefit from your knowledge of where the hotties are at.
Spanishbuddy: no, we're not really even in the same class but still idk what else to call you because we both fail spanish together
Fashionbuddy: you are not a very close buddy, but still there for me recently more than usual
Supportbuddy: you are young, but wise for your age, evenif you don't always act it. Your advice is always appreciated :)
Bustbuddy: even though your bust is like 5 times mine, you are still my buddy.
Littlesisterbuddy: title says it all!
Crazybuddy: you are ridiculously amazing and crazy. especially for your age!!!

and I know I can't label all my buddies out there, but if I did not mention you I would like to say thank you!!! for always being there for me when I needed support, and in my hard times always knowing how to make it up to me. I love you all!

Thursday, January 21, 2010

Little Things

Here's what I remember:
Not Much

But what I did notice is this:
Loud ringing in my ears
Why can't I stop breathing?
Lots of sweat.
I am very hot.
My face is cold and clammy.
Something black and fuzzy is under my head.
A warm hand under my arm.
My vomit is light pink with weird blotches that look like blood and it is very far away from me.
My upper arm is getting tighter and tighter until it might explode, but then releases instead.
Those pills taste really good, but aren't they supposed to be light blue?
Why won't she stop staring at me?

visit my tumblr at

The Weather is My Emotions

Today there is rain.
Right here in the sunniest state of them all.
Or so they thought...ha!
I don't mind living here so much.
I get lots of variety, not just weather wise...
Today I fainted in my chemistry final.
But it's ok.
I'm used to it by now.

This is my sick face.
It's very pale and shivering.

Sunday, January 17, 2010

He Said It.

Cause sometimes you just feel tired.
You feel weak
and when you feel weak you feel like you wanna just give up.
But you gotta search within you
you gotta find that inner strength
and just pull that shit out of you
and get that motivation
to not give up
and not be a quitter
no matter how bad
you wanna just fall flat on your face and

Tuesday, January 12, 2010


I see you.
You, sitting there, right and 5 feet away.
Don't think I can't hear you.
Because every time you ignore me to my face and speak those hurting words that say
I hate you
I soak in a little more pain,
Your spoken fragments crush my sense of judgement,
And my confidence slowly withers away
Until I am left as
the laughing stock,
the screwball,
the freak.
Don't even try to lie.
Don't even say "it was a mistake and I couldn't think around you".
I know you better than you think.

Yes, I know I lost.
You don't have to make it worse.

Wednesday, January 6, 2010

Rock Bottom

Today we had an away game, which we on 7-6, and the pool we played at was salt water instead of chlorine. The water really stung our skin, but felt good on my eyes, so I had them open underwater pretty much like the whole game. Which I thought was a smart decision until 10 min after the game when my eyes were incredibly itchy and I couldn't see well because a thin layer of white film was over everything I looked at. Lights are all fuzzy and it looks like everything is covered in fog. So I go up to one girl and say, "hey can you look and see if my eyes are red? I had them open like the whole game" and the girl next to her turns around and says "at least you were in the whole game. I played for 52 seconds." and looks reallllyyyy pissed off.
So I didn't know what to say, but there were a few things I might've said.
I couldve said, "Sorry, It's not my fault I went to the rose bowl and got pro while you didnt play any sports and now you're out of shape" but that wasnt a nice thing to say.
I might've said "I'm not that good at all really" but that would seem like I was fishing for compliments.
Then I remembered soemthing. I knew how she felt. Three months ago I was in her position at the Rose Bowl playing in the Monday Night League. The worst game I ever played was the one where I played for a minute, my whole family was watching and some friends, and while I was in I didn't even do anything that benefitted the team.
So what I said in the end was, "I'm sorry, I know how you feel." and I did.
Unfortuneately, I'm pretty sure she didn't freaking care because she looked at me with disgust and walked away. However, this taught me an important lesson. I realized how much I have grown in those three months. My coaches play me often and rewarded me by giving me a starting spot on the varsity team. I knew the reasons why I got there were my effort, spirit, and evident success.
This is the difference between me and the other girl.
She knows what she wants, but doesn't yearn to achieve it, but by pushing myself into uncomfortable situations and learning from my mistakes I became the better person in the end.
Am I a monster? I don't think the end of a battle, one side always comes out on top over the other one. This girl never learned how to leave the bottom.
I used to be on this bottom.
Not anymore.

Monday, January 4, 2010

This Heartache (Numb) [Revised Edition]

You feel so great when he talks to you
Floating on a cloud higher than high
But as soon as he goes away
The feeling starts to fade
As you realize it’s not all you thought it was

And how could I
Interpret something so wrong
Wanted it so badly
That I completely fooled myself

I know I'll work it out
Because I have to show you
Who I really am inside of these looks
But right now
You made so numb
That I can't feel you touching me at all
But it could be because you're nowhere close enough.

Things were going great
Til suddenly we drifted
Now I have to get this road block
Out of your path to me
Clear it like how you did to my heart

And how could I
Interpret something so wrong
Wanted it so badly
That I completely fooled myself

And you wonder why you’re the one
Without a response
He’s left you out in the cold
And you’re turning numb
When the rain starts to pour
You’re not feeling anything anymore
He can’t ever see how he’s treated you
Til’ you’re empty and done
But the heartache’s just begun

These reasons rush you, rush you
And emotions push you, push you
Farther til’ the goals out of sight
You need to make it
Before she breaks him away from you

I know I'll work it out
Because I have to show you
Who I really am inside of these looks
But right now
You made so numb
That I can't feel you touching me
Touching me,
Are you touching me at all?

But right now,
You've hurt me so badly
But you haven't even done anything at all.
But because you're so far away
It does more damage than I could ever believe.

I know I'll work it out
Because I have to show you
Who I really am inside of these looks
But right now
You made so numb
That I can't feel you touching me at all
But it could be because you're nowhere close enough.

Sunday, January 3, 2010


The other day my little sister started telling us her New Year's "Revolutions", and we laughed at her mistake. However, I realized that maybe she was on to something. I still haven't made my resolutions, but here I'll try to make some. By looking at my year in review, I'll find my flaws so I can correct them, and maybe even made a revolution in my life.

-Fell in and out of liking (not love!) with one, but months later discovered that he had hurt me without me knowing
-Won over the heart of an older man, but realized he only liked me for my body and that I only wanted him so I could control him. Went to prom, then I dumped him. (after I found out that his mother had breast cancer...)
-Fell in love? maybe! with one boy, and he is so amazing. Never been more sure of myself around anyone else, something about him is incredible. I feel so comfortable with him and I don't know why, but I hope I'm not using him like last time. I'm pretty sure it's gonna be tough to win this one over...

-Lost my best friend to a boy, but got her back a couple months later, but the bond isn't the same.
-Became closer to two people.
-Made friends with the new girl over the summer during a math class.
-Became better friends with two guys.

Chemistry - I need to get THE highest grade possible because if I don't it won't look good for college
Math - Ad math suddenly got verrrry difficult due to the fact that all my classmates know something I don't...
Spanish 3-I have yet to actually speak in this class, which is a problem due to the fact its SPANISH :/
History - Ditto. This. Class. Sucks.
English - woopee! I'm doing better in English than I have in the last 5 years! :D

Sports: (well actually just water polo, not gonna talk bout volleyball/swimming)
- Started JV water polo!
- During swim season realized my passion for water polo to the point where I started crying in the showers.
- Joined the Rose Bowl Water Polo team = best decision of my life!
- Suddenly became completely awesome, wowed my coaches, and received a STARTING POSITION AS A SPRINTER ON THE VARSITY TEAM averaging 2 goals per game!!!

So here's what I'm come up with for my "Revolutions":
1. Don't go crazy over every boy that looks at you: it does not mean he likes you!!!
2. Like a guy for who he TRULY is: not because you want a boyfriend or because it makes you look better.
3. Don't freak guys out, or you will get hurt. If you get hurt, brush it off and don't let it stop you from winning over another man.
4. Despite the craziness over school, don't let your social life disappear/ruin your grades!
6. Don't be a pushover to my friends! Let them know when you're sad, or if they do something that bothers you: don't just pretend it never happened!
7. Talk to your teachers and let them know what you understand and don't, they don't bite! and it shows that you're responsible
8. KICK ASS!!! there's nothing else to it. Have your teammates respect and prove to them that you are at their level and that they can trust you.
9. You want to be tight with your team, but their will always be the tension between people competing for the top. Take advantage of your abilities to move up slowly and take everyone down one by one.
10. Now I sound harsh...last revolution! Be successful without a bad reputation.

Now there's all my resolution/revolutions which I WILL be sticking to and I will post about how successful I am doing.
I realized while writing these that they are all addressed to "you", whoever that might be, but then I thought that maybe, these revolutions can be guidelines for anyone, and they can be altered to your situations :)