Sunday, March 27, 2011

Lights

The last time I had a boyfriend was a while ago,
and I was 14 and he took me too far,
way too fast.
I met him,
and 2 weeks later he kept trying to get me alone so we could make out,
and I hated it.
I hated this so much.
And at the time I was confused because I thought I liked him,
I mean he was very attractive,
so how could I not like him?
But eventually I broke up with him because he kept moving too fast.
I told myself it was because I was just immature,
and he was too old for me.

Boy, was I wrong.
It wasn't me that was wrong with that relationship,
it was him.
I realize now that I could not be myself with him,
I could not be open with him,
I felt like I had to be perfect to be with him,
and I felt like I could not say what I needed to say with him.
I felt completely closed and lost,
and it wasn't because I was immature.
It was because I just didn't like him.

And now I feel bad for leading him on for those three months,
but at the same time I don't because it took me two years to figure it out.

Just Can't Get Enough
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MUCo7vM-FCk

Sunday, March 13, 2011

Raindrops

It took tonight to realize how much I've grown.

It used to be that every time he kissed me,
I shrunk away in fear.
It used to be that every time he put his arm around my waist,
I had no idea what to do.
It used to be that every time he talked,
I just nodded and went along with everything.

But now it's so different.
Who cares if some people don't like who I am,
because he likes me no matter what I do.
Who cares if I laugh my head off,
grab his head
and pull him closer.
Who cares if people are watching
and we act like we're crazy for each other.

Because that's the only way.
That's the only way to be happy.
And right now,
this is as good as it gets.

Boom
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=epBpVHqLJrQ

Thursday, March 10, 2011

Sparkle

If there's anything I've learned this week,
it's that you should never close the door to new experiences.

I used to think there was some certain way
I had to act
in order for a guy to like me.

I used to think there was some sort of "type"
and that every guy I could date
would have to fit into those requirements.

I used to think that in order to be great at something,
you had to be doing it
since you were a toddler.

But this week,
I opened my eyes.
I learned that if you try hard,
you can actually get anything you've ever wanted.
Well,
almost.

But if you open your eyes,
you realize how much you have been missing
that has always been right in front of you.
And that, in itself, is the most beautiful wonder of the world.

Green Eyes
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QbAZiVRG6h0

Saturday, March 5, 2011

Leopard

How did this happen?
It's like one minute,
I'm so sad about how no one ever likes me,
and the next minute,
we're snuggling together under the blankets on the couch in my shed
while my parents are out at dinner.

Who am I?
When I think of myself,
I never imagine having guts to do that kind of stuff.
I always imagine that it would be awkward
to do anything that the girls who have boyfriends do.
But with him,
it's so real.
I swear I don't know anyone more real.

Iris
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NdYWuo9OFAw

Thursday, March 3, 2011

Teenage Dream

You think I'm pretty without any makeup on
You think I'm funny when I tell the punch line wrong
I know you get me so I let my walls come down
Before you met me I was alright but things were kinda heavy
You brought me to life
Now every February you'll be my Valentine

Let's go all the way tonight
No regrets, just love
We can dance until we die
You and I, we'll be young forever

You make me 

Feel like I'm living a
Teenage dream
The way you turn me on
I can't sleep
Let's run away and
Don't ever look back
Don't ever look back
My heart stops
When you look at me
Just one touch
Now baby I believe
This is real
So take a chance and
And don't ever look back
Don't ever look back.

We drove to Cali and got drunk on the beach
Got a motel and built a fort out of sheets
I finally found you, my missing puzzle piece
I'm complete

Let's go all the way tonight
No regrets, just love
We can dance until we die
You and I, we'll be young forever

You make me
Feel like I'm living a
Teenage dream
The way you turn me on
I can't sleep
Let's run away and
Don't ever look back
Don't ever look back
My heart stops
When you look at me
Just one touch
Now baby I believe
This is real
So take a chance
And don't ever look back
Don't ever look back.

I'ma get your heart racing
In my skin-tight jeans
Be your teenage dream tonight
Let you put your hands on me
In my skin-tight jeans
Be your teenage dream tonight

You make me
Feel like I'm living a
Teenage dream
The way you turn me on
I can't sleep
Let's run away and
Don't ever look back
Don't ever look back
My heart stops
When you look at me
Just one touch
Now baby I believe
This is real
So take a chance
And don't ever look back
Don't ever look back.

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

Open Window

So I finally got the nerve to talk to him
about his issues.
But I failed...

Here's what the conversation should have been like:

Me:  Look, I'm really sorry and I'm not trying to be mean, but it's been bothering me lately how everything you do is for attention.  And I've been going along with it, and giving you this attention.  We used to have so much space, until you decided to become friends with all of my friends, and you love this attention from girls.  I feel like everything you do is to generate a response from some person or another.  You also need to know the difference in the way you act around girls you like and girls you are just friends with. And you've told me a million times that you'll never like anyone, so I don't understand why you flirt with everyone and get so touchy feely! And you're so gross! You are so unhygienic and it disgusts me so much. I can't stand it.  Sometimes, I just get so sick of the way you act and smell and stuff your face with food that I struggle with myself not to punch you.  Right now, I want to punch you so hard, and make it hurt.

Him: What?!?!? You are fucking insane.  How could you even dare to say anything like that? I've always been there for you. You don't even understand what I've been through.  How would you feel if your dad died 3 years ago? Huh?

Me: It doesn't matter. You are who you are. And you have been there for me, but you're completely bipolar.  One second you're too nice and being all flirty and I HATE it, and the next second you're telling me all the stuff you hate about me.  Which I don't appreciate.  And you lie. When I ask for your opinion on a guy I like, you always say he's not my type.  Even when my friends think he's awesome.  I've heard you're jealous because you like me, but it doesn't matter. You should never lie because you were supposed to be my friend, and always tell the truth.  But for the last few months, every thing you do is BS. I hate how you do your homework the day it's do, or complete an essay the day of.  You're the biggest slacker I know, and I used to hate how you threw your life away, but now I don't care.  Do whatever you want. You deserve all the shit that you'll get in the future.

Him: You have no authority over me.  I'm so strong I could knock you dead if I wanted to.  You can't even say this to me, because I always win.  You know you're harmless.

Me: No I'm not. I've hurt you once, and I have more strength than you realize.

Him: Prove it.

(I punch him in the gut, and he kneels over, but then gets up and hits me so hard in the face.  I fall to the ground unconscious, with my nose broken and bleeding.  It just so happens that a really hot guy walks over at this moment, cusses out the other guy, and proceeds to pick me up and carry me to a safe place and watch over me until I heal.)

However, this is nothing like how it actually happened.

Me: I, um, need to talk to you about something.  Something serious.  So don't laugh.

Him: Okay, go ahead. I'm here for you.

Me: Well, uh, well, hmm, I think, that maybe, we just need to have a little more space.  I mean, uh, I don't know how to say this.  A lot of people think, um, that, uh, well, you're a little, hmm, I don't know how to say what I'm trying to say! Argh.

Him: Okay, well if that's all you wanted to say, then what I got from this is that you want some space.

Me: Uh, yeah, I guess. Yeah, sure.

Him: Okay well thanks for telling me that :) I appreciate it. (like completely positive happiness)

HE WAS SUPPOSED TO GET MAD :(

I am so bad at handling my friendship with him.  It's almost like being in a relationship with a 13 year old.  He's so immature and gross and like a little boy.  He expects me to think that he's my world, but at the same time he just wants to be friends, but I also feel like I have to take care of him because he doesn't take care of himself.

I just have this feeling where I have the need to fix people's lives.  It's because of my OCD of fixing and cleaning things.  When things are messy or dirty or broken, I have to fix the problem.  I guess this is now affecting how I deal with people.  I know it's not my problem, but I can't avoid this instinct.

No Love
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KV2ssT8lzj8

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

Shattered

I feel like sometimes,
I don't even want to bother with you
because what are the chances that you even like talking to me.

But then you'll crack a joke,
tease me when I mess up,
or complain about our homework,
and I don't know what to think.

Maybe you're confused,
and think I'm really cool.
Or maybe you're delusional,
and think that I might be attractive.
Or maybe you're just polite,
and every day I make a fool out of myself.

Guess I'll never find out.

Jumper
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QdgCajndgNw