So I've been spending some time thinking, and I realized that I wasn't being realistic in my mind. I figured I could just let things go, and stop ignoring the fact that I let him slip right through my fingers even when I held on as tight as I could. Which is probably why he escaped...but I pretended I did not care. I pretended this so hard, so badly, that I tricked myself into believing I was okay with it. But I wasn't and I'm not now. I just wish I knew why he slipped under my grasp, leaving no explanation, and completely disappearing from my life. But I talked to myself today, and the words popped out of my mouth, completely unexpected, and I realized what I had been hiding this whole time. No matter how I try to shove my past away, concealed in a place no one can see, I was really hurt and I need to do something about it. I was going to talk to him today, but suddenly I grew scared. Why hadn't I noticed this before? Butterflies raced through my stomach, churning it into a vat of fear. This one kid, this silly boy, can scare me this much? Make me so nervous? How does he do it?
I hate feeling so powerless, so I'm going to muster up the power tomorrow. I will find out why he left me so suddenly, and I will fix things.
Thank you, my dear friend.