Patches

So I've been spending some time thinking, and I realized that I wasn't being realistic in my mind.  I figured I could just let things go, and stop ignoring the fact that I let him slip right through my fingers even when I held on as tight as I could.  Which is probably why he escaped...but I pretended I did not care.  I pretended this so hard, so badly, that I tricked myself into believing I was okay with it.  But I wasn't and I'm not now. I just wish I knew why he slipped under my grasp, leaving no explanation, and completely disappearing from my life.  But I talked to myself today, and the words popped out of my mouth, completely unexpected, and I realized what I had been hiding this whole time.  No matter how I try to shove my past away, concealed in a place no one can see, I was really hurt and I need to do something about it.  I was going to talk to him today, but suddenly I grew scared.  Why hadn't I noticed this before? Butterflies raced through my stomach, churning it into a vat of fear.  This one kid, this silly boy, can scare me this much?  Make me so nervous?  How does he do it?

I hate feeling so powerless, so I'm going to muster up the power tomorrow.  I will find out why he left me so suddenly, and I will fix things.
Thank you, my dear friend.