Walls

When I wake up,

I can't always tell the difference.

I dream in my consciousness

and think in my slumber.

But how do I know the truth from false pictures?

How do I know right from wrong?

How do I know what I want to hear from what he actually says

and the words that come from his mouth

are the things I miss the most

and maybe no amount of wishing or dreaming

can ever fix that.

You

Screaming, dancing
upside down

Jumping, singing
through the town

Hopping, skipping
finally found

Hoping, praying
homeward bound

:)

Knife

I hate these kind of mornings
after one of those kind of nights
where you wake up
and your face is kinda swollen and puffy
from tears that have streamed down your cheeks
for hours and hours
the night before.

Where you feel so tired from fighting all night long
so that you've finally given in
because last night you tired all of your emotions
so this morning,
you feel nothing.
You're completely numb.

And I look in the mirror
and I think-
How could someone who loves me so much
Ever be able to hurt me so badly?

Well,
I ask myself this every day.
I don't think it was possible for you to hurt me
in one more way
last night.

Kisses

Crying really hurts

Especially when you have a black eye.

Big Yellow Taxi

"You don't know what you've got
'til it's gone"

And I don't know what I would ever do
if I lost you.

Step Up

I totally missed my one year anniversary of my blog :(
By 21 days haha

But so much has changed from when I wrote my first entry...
A year ago,
My friends were completely different.
Today,
I know who I can trust.
A year ago,
I thought I had some best guy friends,
Today,
I know that I was never really close to any of them.
A year ago,
I was in love with someone I had never talked to in person.
Today,
I'm not falling in love every chance I get.
A year ago,
he was my Winter Formal date.
Today,
I have the best date I could ever imagine.
A year ago,
I was nervous about whether or not I would make Varsity,
Today,
in this game roster I'm going to be the best player out there
and I need to step up to a leadership role.

Now I realize that I have never done this in my life.
You would've thought that at some point in everyone's life
They were a leader
But today is the first time for me
ever.

Thanks

So I was really stupid at dinner tonight
and kind of forgot to give my own thanks
cause I was too busy shoving mashed potatoes into my mouth.
And I was kind of pissed off,
which I feel bad about,
but I just want to spend a Thanksgiving
for once
with people I truly love and care about and want to be with.

So I thank all my friends,
my family,
my dog,
my teachers,
and the people I've always never cared too much for
who always watched out for me.
And I thank them all
for being there
even when I was not so much there myself
and I was kind of a big hot messy heap of Hannah
(like always...)
but I never take time out to appreciate them.
Well sometimes.
Sometimes I can't forget certain people.

But I'm here to thank everyone who loves me
even when I don't deserve to be loved.

Simba.

I hate this week.
But most of all, I hate this evening.

It started when I pushed myself too hard
sprinting
and puked.
Only to get out of practice 2 hours later,
almost unable to walk.

Then I got a lovely text from a guy
that I used to have a thing with
asking to go to a party with him.
Too bad he texted me back saying he meant to send it to someone else.
Not that I would've gone anyways.
I've got more valuable people in my life.

Then I came home,
only to find that I'm completely alone.

I started to realize this today,
kind of,
but now I realize that my life only revolves around a couple people right now.
And right now they are not here
when I really need someone.

When I don't know what to do,
I turn to my childhood
or go to sleep.

Hello, Lion King.

Sunshine

I don't know why I feel this way around you,
and sleeping on you tonight
made me feel so incredible.
And when you took my hand,
I started to worry
because there is no way that this is right.
But it felt so good so I kept it there holding me.
And my head on your shoulder,
and your head on my head,
and our hands intertwined
made me feel so happy.

I've been told that you've always wanted me,
but I never thought I could ever want you back.

Circle

I don't really know why I'm thinking about this
a week after it happened
but I am.

I want you to know that when they asked us
who we thought was fearless
I didn't say your name
and for some reason this bothers me now.

I know you'll never see this,
but I'll say it just in case you'll know some how.

I wish you knew that I think you are fearless
even when everyone else thinks of somebody else,
but I think of you
because you're like me,
but only a lot better in every way.

I just wish now that I had spoken up
when I had the chance.

Gullible

I can think I don't care about you-
and then you start talking to me again.
And you laugh at me jokingly.
And you borrow my history book.
Thanks bud for being a gentleman at all the wrong times.

And making me fall for you
every single time.

Medusa

I've just spent 2 hours looking at the photos of us
and trying to figure out why my face looks so weird
and why my bra is showing through my shirt in every picture.
I'll blame it on the flash.

I really want to know why he's not here right now,
and why she can't keep the little things to herself,
and wait for something big to happen
to go crying to her mom, who is the only person there for her.
But I don't want to be sucked into her stupid fake drama.

I wonder what she thinks when she looks at me.
If she regrets what she's done.
Or if she would do it again in a heartbeat.
Maybe she judges my face to figure out
if I know.
If I'm upset.
If she's done enough damage yet.
Or maybe she doesn't care about me at all.

But I don't look into her eyes,
because Medusa would turn me into stone.

Rights [Song]

(new song)

I never noticed you before

But you were there every night
Laughing at my jokes
and gazing at the stars
I can still feel you next to me
from the time you fell asleep


But I took you for granted
Unfortunately I'll always regret this


Talking late into the night
waiting up for you online
baby cant you see
this is what I wanted it to be
instead of moping around
waiting for you to make a move
after what you did the night before
you would've thought I wouldn't come back for more


we were finally together
late that one night
I started to fall for you
But I didn't want to
Because it seemed unreal


And when you slept with her
when you told me you'd always be there for me
Did you forget about the times we were

Talking late into the night

I was waiting up for you online

baby cant you see

this is what we could've been

instead of moping around

waiting for you to make a move

after what you did with her the night before

you would've thought I wouldn't come back for more

Oh I was blind
I could've seen you weren't right all along
But now you're mind is gone


You'll never be there for me
Never respect me
Never try to get inside my mind
Never know what it is
we could've been
Could've tried from the first time
Never showing enough love
to ever keep me satisfied
Oh yeah
Can't you see
that we were never meant to be


Oh why
Can't I see
that we were never meant to be

TSwift

I've been in a such a music-y mood lately so I'm posting another one of my favorite songs...from the new Taylor Swift album! It's called Sparks Fly and it's the number 1 song on iTunes right now...for a reason..here's the chorus:

Drop everything now
Meet me in the pouring rain
Kiss me on the sidewalk
Take away the pain
'Cause I see, sparks fly whenever you smile
Get me with those green eyes, baby
As the lights go down
Something that'll haunt me when you're not around
'Cause I see, sparks fly whenever you smile

and also I love her song The Story of Us so here's the chorus to that...

Now I'm standing alone in a crowded room
And we're not speaking
And I'm dying to know
Is it killing you
Like it's killing me?
Yeah
I don't know what to say since a twist of fate, when it all broke down
And the story of us looks a lot like a tragedy now

That Night...

It's so hard trying to figure out how to deal with the people around you,
when everyone is constantly changing.
One day your friend can turn into a backstabber,
and another day someone you've never noticed before can change your life.

But it's these hard decisions that have been making
or breaking
my past few weeks.

First it was her flirtiness,
then it was his kindness,
then it was her way of popping out of nowhere,
then it was his way of making everything okay,
then it was her way of begging for attention,
then it was his way of making me feel so perfect.

But today she threw me for a loophole,
and her actions caused me to falter.
I've completely forgotten how to react,
although every day before this I was making plans
of things to say
and how to fix everything.
But I never did anything.
And now it's too late.

If I had known what she had done yesterday,
I may have joined everyone else in my grade
and sat on the sidelines,
trying not to cry.
But mine actually meant something,
and that's why today was so different.

I've learned how to lose something I've never had.

Go

So I've liked this song for a while,
and the lyrics have always been powerful for me,
but no other song could possibly describe this past weekend 
except for Go by Boys Like Girls...


Yeah, I know it's not easy
I know that it's hard
Follow the lights to the city

Get up and go
Take a chance and be strong
Or you could spend your whole life holding on
Don't look back; just go
Take a breath, move on
Or you could spend your whole life holding on
You could spend your whole life holding on
Don't spend your whole life holding on

Creatures

Part of me knows that after this night,
we will never notice each other again.
But part of me knows that after this night,
I will have fallen for you hard.
And it will be too late.

So I'll try to resist,
and if everything goes poorly,
I will be okay.
If everything goes perfectly,
I know that I'll be hurt.

How can I try to enjoy myself
when I know that this whole time
I've been preparing to say goodbye?

Field

I remember where I was last year,

and I was definitely not here

but I was not here three weeks ago either.

What a tumultuous expedition 

that I have thrived on,

upon every rock and tree,

every raindrop and sunray.

And to think that the purpose was to lead me

to nothing?

Well, it's not about the destination,

it's about the journey.

And that's the only reason why I am here today.

Losing You

It's always my insecurity
and never knowing
what she has that I don't,
and how she acts, that's different from me.

But in the end
I never want to change myself
because that is a sign of insecurity
but I try so hard to disguise
that I am insecure,
and I can't hide it.

I always try to change him,
but maybe I need to change myself.

Traveler

I've said this before in my past,
and I'll say it a million times again in my future,
but:

Time can heal anything.

Trees

She was just a little kid two years ago,
too scared and unsure of how to act.
So she acted like someone else:
someone brave,
someone flirty,
someone manipulative.

And when he came along,
she hooked him immediately,
and when she left him,
he dashed her pride,
her security,
and her hope.

For those two years,
she was so scared.
She could not let anyone in
the barbed-wire boundaries
that controlled her terrified heart.

It took those to years for the effect to set in,
and it took one day for her to realize
that she has finally grown up.

Silly Bands

Sorry I've been gone so long! My computer was broken :(
I was also on my class trip, and I learned some important stuff:

You can always find friends even when you least expect it,
and you can always find romance in places you never even considered.



You are the best thing that's ever been mine.

Another day, another fight,
Another reason why I wish I wasn't still alive.

Beaters

I remember when I first met you
and you were so shy
and I thought we could be friends
because I could be the cool older person
to show you the ropes.

But now when I look back I see how much you've changed.

How can this girl
who's making out with a random guy
and grinding with him
and wearing slutty clothes
possibly be the same person?

It sure beats me.

Headphones

I feel like there's something I really need to get off my chest,
but I can't figure out what.
But I came here hoping that it would come to me.

Today is a Thinking Day for me
and it's not even important thoughts,
just whatever comes to mind.

It's not like I choose to do this,
the thoughts just kind of interrupt me
with whatever I'm doing.

I think about last night mostly.
About how he didn't come,
but it reassured me and shed light on an old puzzle from the summer.
About how she was in a corner,
and I saw her dressed like that and acting like that with a guy like that.
About how I'm always in my own world after nights like these,
even though nothing happened this time.
About how I can have so many different friends,
but no one takes me seriously.

But maybe you're behind this whole thing
and me
and all of myself
and the only thing I have to do is to listen to you.

Home Boys

I like not having to worry about
the thing that takes up most of my time...

...now everything is falling into place
and I have options
so it makes it easier to focus on what really matters

and I will always have someone backing me up.

Thanks for your support, guys :)

Eat

I hate dealing with these stupid people
who are so full of themselves
and full of crap
and don't even know you.

I wish the world wasn't as insecure
as it is now.

I wish people could actually be themselves
and not care who got which grade on the test
and who is going to the exclusive party this weekend
and who seems like a bigger threat to your reputation
and just throw this bucketload of crap out the window.

I'm so sick of dealing with people who think they're all that
when it doesn't even matter.

10 years from now,
who will care that you had the most money in high school?
who will care that your classmates did worse than you on that one test?
who will care that you got high and drunk every weekend, every chance you got?

I thought becoming older meant that people started making better choices,
and learning the ropes of the real world.
But it seems that everyone else
is stuck in an endless loop;
a vicious cycle with no apparent end.

Beginnings

So this school year has started off pretty weirdly...

I failed my first quiz of the year.

The class I'm most excited for is the hardest class out of all.

My advisee group contains my all time worst enemy and my ex-crush (that did not turn out well).

My all time worst enemy is in 3 of my classes and my ex-crush is in 1.

I may actually be looking forward to (just a little bit...) history, my all time most hated class.

My english teacher is the quintessential cute little grandma...or maybe I think that because I haven't seen her mad yet...

Rocket

So today was the first day of the beginning of the hardest thing that I have done thus far in my life.

And I learned some things.

And I used my newfound bravery to do some things.

And I realized that I'm on the edge of some thing.

Some huge thing
that is bigger than myself
and I'm not quite sure what to do yet,
but I hope that I can keep myself together for when it happens.

Fish

its kinda cool
having the grey above you
and the black below you
just an endless sea of melancholy
everywhere you look

its kinda cool
how you can just float
everythings peaceful
so its not like you have anything to bother you
and you look at yourself
and youre the only colorful thing
in the whole universe

its kinda cool
for once in a lifetime
to be the center of everything
the only light in a dark place
but then you step out and realize that youre alone.

This Summer [Song]

Sorry I've been gone so long! I've been in New Hampshire for a couple weeks now, and we just got internet here and I'm alone so I can blog :)

Here's the most recent song I've written, I wrote it about a day ago I think, but it's about time I wrote a new one.

And it's really mellow, with some nice guitar fingerpicking, so when it says guitar solo, it's not like air guitar status

Waking up to the taste of your lips on my tongue

Hurt almost as much

As trying to sleep

With your scent on my pillow last night

We finally got this crazy thing to work out

After all these years

Of hanging in backyards,

Swinging ropes and playing cards.

How long will it be before I see you again?

How long until I find someone to settle down with?

Cause this time you melted me with your kiss

Cause you blew me away with your soft, sweet, tenderness.

But I never thought that this time,

Would be a lie.

Choking up to the sound of your gentle goodbye

I had you in my arms at last

But wishful thinking held me fast

And you say the words I never planned to hear

Without knowing that I won’t see you next year.

How long will it be before I see you again?

How long until I find someone to settle down with?

Cause this time you melted me with your kiss

Cause you blew me away with your soft, sweet, tenderness.

But I never thought that this time,

Would be a lie.

[Guitar solo]

How long will it be before I see your sweet blue eyes again?

How long until I find someone like you to settle down with?

Cause this time you melted me with your gentle kiss

Cause you blew me away with your soft, sweet, tenderness.

But I never thought that this summer,

This one last night,

Would be a lie.

Champ

All you feel is the bass thumping through your legs.
When you all line up in a row,
and your name is called,
you can hear the cheers from the crowd
and the speakers shake with their words.
But during the game,
you can't hear anything.
Even the bass, even the parents, even the coaches.
Everything is gone.
And afterwards,
when the everyone is jumping
and cheering
and it's perfect,
the bass is rattling my bones again.
And as they slip the medal over my head,
I realize what it feels like to be a champion.

Masquerade

I stared into the water whispering,
"Please come out, please, please come out."
And it did.
I said,
"Who am I?"
and I stared back at myself and it whispered
"You know"
and rippled away.

Ocean Winds

Well hey,
sorry it's been so long.
I was busy thinking...


Sometimes,
losing someone like him seems to be
the hardest thing
that you will ever do.
But here's my theory.

You've been preparing for this loss all your life.
Through all the obstacles you encounter in life,
your body and mind prepare you to bounce back
and to keep moving forward.

I didn't know what I was going to do.
I promised myself that I would never let him go
never let him slip through my fingers
but my grasp was so tight
that I killed him.

I never wanted this to happen to you,
but I couldn't bear to see you go.
I was caught between a rock and a hard place,
but when the time came,
I wanted to let you go.
I knew that I couldn't keep playing games with my mind
knowing that we would both lose in the end.

So I moved on,
big whoop.
Adults do it everyday,
and so now I see that I'm finally growing up.

Welcome to the real world, Hannah.
It's time to jump with confidence into a sea of fears
and to let go of the past.

Code

they always say
[i]f it's meant to be
it will be

but man oh man
how [d]o y[o]u know whe[n] to put in effort and when [t]o
stop?

things have [w]orked out this w[a]y for a long time [n]ow
(over a mon[t]h)
but i don'[t] know if it's meant t[o] happen

tomorrow's my [l]ast chance
bef[o]re autumn
to take a ri[s]k and jump

[e]xcept i'm so afraid of falling slowl[y]

and i don't kn[o]w if yo[u] will be there to catch me.



[and that's my biggest fear.]

Mash-up

So I'm combing the lyrics from different songs to make a new song that describes my life.

Here goes: (kudos to anyone who can name all the different songs)

I can't tell you what it really is
 

I can only tell you what it feels like 


and right now there's a steel knife 
in my windpipe 

I never told you what I should’ve said 

I never meant to cause you trouble

Nobody said it was easy, 

it’s such a shame for us to part, 

nobody said it was easy, 

no one ever said it would be this hard

I’ll never be your beast of burden

You’re my flower child and I’m your forget-me-not

I know all you needed was me

And I stare at the phone, 

he still hasn’t called 

and then you feel so low 

you can’t feel nothing at all

Cause he can get the knockout

Forget about the sunshine when it’s gone

I’ll never be your beast of burden

You’re my flower child and I’m your forget-me-not

I know all you needed was me

Love is not a victory march, 

it’s a cold and it’s a broken hallelujah

I’ll never be your beast of burden

You’re my flower child and I’m your forget-me-not

I know all you needed was me

Metamorphosis

Sometimes
in the night
in my head
I scream.



But last night I promised myself,
I promised the world,
and I promised the universe,
that never would I ever
become the monster you don't want.

I will never be that
drama loving,
attention hogging,
internet relying,
cougar acting,
over protective
beast of burden
that I have been in my past.

Every time I swear I will change,
but a new problem always arises instead.

But I've never ever wanted someone this badly,
needed them so much that it hurts my head,
and aches my bones.
So,
I will change for you.

Geometry

I think it was a half-year reunion,
in the winter,
in the snow.
5 days,
4 nights,
and I hadn't seen you in forever.
So I looked and looked,
and I promised to all my friends
that tonight,
the last night,
I would kiss you.
But you didn't even show up.

I think it was the next day,
but I was at the beach,
and he was there.
So we talked,
and hung out,
and waited for the tide to roll in.
And when it did,
our beds were in the water
so I crawled into mine
and he tucked me in.
I remember,
I thought,
he's going to kiss me.
He's going to kiss me.
And the weirdest part is,
is that I don't think I would have minded if he kissed me.
I might have even liked it-
but then I woke up.

Playlist

You are my sunshine,
my only sunshine.

You make me happy,
when skies are grey.

You'll never know, dear,
how much I love you.

So please don't take,
my sunshine away.

To everyone I'm missing right now:
I love you and I hope you never leave my life!

Sometimes when you go through hard times,
there's only one person who can get you through
and so I want to thank you for all the times you have saved me.

Sometimes you fall for the wrong people,
in the wrong time and nothing turns out right,
but for some reason almost everything about us is working.
I hope to have more days where I wake up knowing I'll get to see your face again.

Snake

It kinda went something like this:

She says: Why are you crying?

I think: Because I'm lonely and depressed.
I say: Because I like to.

She says: That doesn't sound normal.

I think: I've never really been normal, so what's the surprise?
I say: I think I have a problem. Like a disease or something.

She says: Like what?

I think: Depression. But you wouldn't know cause you've missed out on my whole past 5 years of life and it's all MY fault.
I say: I don't know. Maybe ADHD or something.  Or maybe depression.

Pause.

She says: Well maybe we could take you to a therapist sometime.  Your cousins Julian and Nick go.

I think: Julian? But he's just a little kid! and you're too late anyways.  Three years too late.
I say:  I hate people.

She says: Hannah-

She walks away.

I slink into the kitchen and stick my face under the sink faucet and try to wash away my skin.

Venom

It's that moment when you realize that you took the wrong path.

There's nothing you can do,
because it's already too late,
and this whole time you were pushing it back
into your past
so you wouldn't have to deal with it again.

You never planned on having it come back to haunt you.

And now you understand that the path you chose will take you no where.
But this road is your life,
and you can't abandon ship now
or your whole existence would have been for nothing.

Sometimes,
the only thing you live for,
the one light in a dark space,
is the very thing that strangles you.

Drop

I was just standing and waiting and looking at my feet.

And then I realized-the elevator's not moving...

Rip

It's crazy how soon things can change in minutes, hours, and days.


And my god, how I miss you.


I don't even know how to think anymore.


This empty presence inside of me grows larger every day
until I am doubling over in pain on the bathroom floor
screaming,
shouting,
whispering
your name out loud
just so I can hear someone say it again
to know that you're still real.


But I don't want to know that you exist
because that would mean that maybe,
you are ignoring me.
And maybe,
you don't want to hear from me ever again.
And maybe,
you've moved on and maybe you've found someone else and maybe we'll never get to be together and maybe after all this waiting and praying, maybe I've wasted my time and maybe and maybe and maybe-
but I have no clue.


And I would never admit to wanting to keep you
because no one but you understands why
and when no one but you knows who I am,
you can't trust anyone.

Lou Dog

If anyone was watching,
they would've seen her running through the field
with scratches and bug bites all cut up on her legs
and they would've seen her wearing
a Ralph Lauren hot pink swim suit with ruffles
and Havianas flip flops just like the beach.

They would've seen her race into the woods
as fast as her legs could work
and they would've seen her run straight into the log
and the 2 parallel lines of blood
slipping down her right leg.

They would've seen her kick off the muddy shoes
and tip toe over the slimy rocks
into the shallow water
and they would've seen her belly flop straight into the current
and come up gasping for air
as the cold drug seeped into her skin.

They would've seen her leap onto shore,
blood freshly dripping onto her feet
and quickly run back through the woods
wishing that she wasn't so far into reality.

If anyone had been watching,
they would've seen her and smiled.
They might've laughed.

And he did.
Watching from behind the pine tree,
Knowing she was a klutz
and silently laughing when she cut her leg,
and praying she'd come back after the entered the forest.

Because he,
with his scrawny little white body
and crazy in awe back muscles,
has known her since she was a baby.

And she doesn't even know.

Tunnel.

Sorry it's been so long;
I was at Pepperdine water polo camp for 5 days <3
and now I'm at JO qualifiers in Santa Barbara.

But camp taught me something important...

Sometimes people have intentions
and expectations
and believe they know what they are doing
and think they know what will happen.

You can be so sure of something,
so focused,
but even then you can be thrown off path.

Nothing can change destiny,
no matter how hard you plead.
Things happen for a reason,
whether to learn something,
to prove something,
to gain something,
or to lose something,
so make the best of what life throws at you.

I did.
And if I didn't,
I would not be here now.
I wouldn't be sitting in this measly motel room typing on a laptop
waiting for the 16U game to start.
I would be in the 18U game.
Possibly a starter.
That is what I've always wanted, right?
To be the best I can be?
But sometimes life throws a curveball at you
and I had to change.
I realized that I couldn't go on like this
progressing at such a slow rate.

I tried my best but in the end,
I lost my head
but I gained my heart back.
Finally,
another who can complete me
and won't leave me crying soft tears into my pillow at night.
One who wants the best for me,
honestly and truly.
It's not a joke.
Because he is doing everything he can for me.

And maybe at the end of the day,
when my best is not good enough for the team,
it's good enough for him.
And maybe this is what everything has been leading up to.

The future knows that it's better for me to be happy
than for me to be the best.
It knows that I can't take the pressure,
and still come through healthy in the end.

I've never felt this way before.
It's like every other post where I've written my feelings
was only minor compared to the way I feel now.
Because normally,
I head into the darkness blindly,
and stumble
and fall
but now I can see the light at the end of the tunnel.
And that's where I meet you.

Sun-Drenched Mornings and Cloud-Filled Nights

It's like flying
soaring
leaping
into the sky
with no limits.

It's like running
galloping
skipping
into the field
with no fences.

It's like swimming
diving
floating
into the water
with no cares.

It's like nothing you've ever felt before
but at the same time,
it's all so familiar.
The sparks,
the scene,
the people,
the faces,
the places.
I guess Mother Nature has her own type of chemistry set to toy with.
Mixing each element with a new background every time,
she creates a whole new image
but dig deeper and see that the basics are the same.

Boy meets girl.
Girl ignores boy.
Boy says hi.
Girl says hi.
Boy thinks girl is hot.
Girl realizes that actually-this-boy-is-kind-of-cute-maybe-something-could-happen-yes-please-right-now??? and maybe he likes me and maybe this could be the best summer ever and whatif we kissed under the stars and whatif we fell in love and whatif this lasted more than summer???

Because, naturally, the girl's emotions take off on a rocketship headed straight for the moon.

Spotlight

Oh every time I close my eyes
I see my name in shining lights
A different city every night oh
I swear the world better prepare
For when I’m a billionaire



So these are part of the lyrics to Billionaire, and ever since I've heard this song for the first time, it has set fire to my dream to be famous.  I've been watching American Idol and America's Got Talent and following people on twitter and, honestly, I can't even sit there for a full minute without dreaming about living the life they have.  Sure, I'm no where near ready to be a powerful singer, but I've been practicing guitar every day and working on music to the songs I've written and I'm going to learn how to sing The Scientist on Thursday.
I've never stood out for anything in my life.
I've never been recognized for any achievements that are important to me.
Sometimes it feels like no one even cares about what I do, or how well I do.
Even when Im doing my best, it's always good, not great, and I don't deserve the spotlight for being the best, but instead for my effort and time and practice.  But no one ever acknowledges effort.
If I was famous, I would finally be known for doing something I love.  My songs are a major part of my life, and I only wish that someday they could truly benefit me.
So watch out, world, cause I'm fighting.
Every day I come closer and closer to my dream, with every note sung, every chord played, and every lyric written.

Lessons

Teach me how to be myself.

My greatest weakness
is knowing how to react
and follow through with the actions
that Hannah would do.

To learn
what Hannah would learn.
To speak
what Hannah would speak.
To grow
as Hannah would grow.

I can write a list of things I like
and my favorites
and who likes who
and fairytale stories
in my diary,
but that does not describe Hannah.

Hannah is the adjectives that are inferred and determined
through her actions
and words spoken
and appearances.
As of now,
I know perfectly well who hannah is,
but I have yet to learn who Hannah is.

Consistency

I remember the first time I Saw you,
and you were helping me through the ropes
at Big Bear
and I fell flat on my face.

I remember the first time I Saw you,

when I was floating in the water,

and you were leaping through the air

off a rock cliff

and our eyes met.

I remember the first time I Saw you,

when you arrived to the house

and I was so anxious

until I saw your face,

and assumed that the next 10 days were going to be painful.

I remember the first time I Saw you,

when we were in the showers

and all my friends were joking around,

but all I could feel was your presence besides me.

I remember the first time I Saw you,

when I was sitting on the side

dangling my feet in the water

and stretching out my newly-hurt shoulder

and you were on the other side

eggbeatering 

and I knew that I couldn't let this pass

because you were too gorgeous.

I remember the first time I Saw you,

when we two knuckleheads

were sitting down together

both too injured to think clearly

but both with a story to share

and bond over.

I remember the first time I Saw you,

but wait-

Actually,

I don't...

and

I feel

like

I should,

but wherever that memory 

used to be

is no longer

and 

maybe this 

is a sign?

Or maybe it means

that this love

will be forgotten...

But I know that it can't

because I can never leave you

and I've tried time and time again

only to continue failing

and come running back to your love and support,

only to continue trying to leave you.

I guess it could pass as a consistent relationship at least...

Dam

I hate that feeling
when you get all tingly
and your vision starts to blur
and your face gets all screwed up
right after they break the news.

It hasn't settled in yet,
but it's starting to
and you know that it's going to hit you full-blast.

There's no time to prepare,
and soon you're seeing double
but there's no time to do anything
you just have to get OUT of there
and the blood rushes to your head and you can't even scream
but can only manage to make a loud gasp
and that's when you
break.

Sparks

When I was a little girl,
I used to dream of Magical kisses,
soft on your lips,
and so romantic and unreal.

But after the boys I've kissed,
I've always been completely conscious
and aware
of what is going on,
and every little feeling,
every little touch,
every little movement
makes me scared,
sick
worried,
nervous
so much that I become tense and nerve-racked.
This isn't a kiss.

So how do you leave the ground?
How can I possibly lose myself in your soft touch,
when I'm stuck here in reality?

I used to think that I could fall asleep in your eyes,
and would die to be the one you love,
the one who kisses you at night.
But all this ever leads to is emotions,
pouring from my eyes and lips
every night.

When all I wanted was a taste of this life,
I got a whole glass.
There's no going back,
but maybe I just haven't found The One.

Maybe you can only have this Magical kiss with one person.
I've read books about girls falling madly in love
and sparks flying when they kissed.
I guess I just wanted to be like them.

I wish I wasn't so curious
that I wouldn't keep coming back from more
when I know it hurts me every time,
but just the chance that one might be different
keeps me held in a headlock
and I can't ever escape.

Vertigo

So I just found this story I wrote in 8th grade, but I reread it and remembered that I added some more stuff in the summer of 9th grade...and I stole some names from people I know in real life and the story is slightly based on my life haha but not everything is correct...

Chapter 1

She knew that down there, in the audience, they were cheering her on.  She hoped on that one fragment of a wish and blew a kiss to the millions of people out there.  The crowd went wild.  “We love you Hannah!!!”  They cried.  No, it wasn’t Hannah Montana they were cheering for.  This is someone new who has stepped into the spotlight.  Someone who has been given a chance to show herself to the world and is standing upon the stage high-fiving the people in the front row.  She is an idol, a big sister, a daughter, a friend, and a role model.  She was-  

“Get out of bed! You’re going to be late for school again!” came the wake up call from mom. 

“Aaaagh!” the muffled sound of my voice came out from under the Hawaiian print duvet that was on top of my head.  I walked out of my room and into the bathroom and splashed my face with water.  I looked up.  My face was a mess, streaked with black lines from my mascara and shiny splotches glistening around my mouth from my lip gloss.  I was a wreck.  I walked back into my room and opened my second closet.  I picked out the usual jean shorts and flowy t-shirt.  I closed the closet door and got dressed.  I walked into the kitchen and groaned.  “Cereal again?”

“Nope!” came the cheery voice of my sister, Hadley. “Leftover eggs!” her voice had changed to sarcastic. “Yummy yummy!”

“Ew!  Why can’t I have something more appetizing?  Like oh, I don’t know, food for the gods?  Oh wait, what’s the other word for gods?  Oh yeah!  Celebrities!” Apparently Hadley wasn’t the only sarcastic one this morning.  I ate my breakfast and went to the bathroom to brush my teeth.  Just my luck, Hadley was there brushing her teeth.  She has the most obnoxious toothbrush.  It plays “Walk Away” by Kelly Clarkson every morning and night.  It’s a good song, but hearing it too many times kind of kills it.

“Can’t you shut that thing off?”

“Uh, yeah, but I like it!” Of course my sister wanted to annoy me.  I guess I would too if I was her. 

After I brushed my teeth I made my bed and threw my miscellaneous stuffed animals onto it.  Then I grabbed my backpack and started out the door.  I hopped into our blue Toyota van and waited for Hadley and mom to get in the car.  My dad yelled out of the bathroom window, “She’s supposed to be riding her bike!” but no one was listening so we took off. 

I walked into my first class of the day, Music Appreciation.  We had a quiz, which was easy and took practically no time at all.  Likewise, the rest of the day was extremely boring as well.

 Chapter 2

 “But for now just take it from me, just listen to me.”  She smiled and let out a giggle as the fans went wild with applause.  She ran backstage to get ready for her next song.  “The last light I saw before I fell in love, were your gorgeous eyes sparkling through the moonlight, baby” She hummed, then took a glance at her back-up band and ran onto the stage.  Cries of joy came louder and louder until they turned into cheers.  “Hannah!  Hannah!” they shouted.  No one else could steal this perfect moment from her except for-

“Brittany!”

“Here!”

“Hannah!” a pause.  “Hannah?”

“Here!  I’m here!” I shouted, waking up from my daydream.  I know I should be awake; it was already third period. 

“Tonight’s homework is to do the self-test on page 253 to 254, numbers one through twenty-eight…” I wrote down my homework and I started to daydream again about summer break.  It was going to be so exciting!  Even though I’m taking a math class to move up to the accelerated course, I’m also practicing water polo on my school’s summer team in the morning.  Maybe if I’m lucky, my boyfriend Will will be there.  (He shares my love for water polo)

Sunday, June 21

Thank the lord I am done with school!  I shouldn’t get too excited thought; I’ve finished my first week of the four-week math class and it’s four and a half hours each day! Unfortunately, I’m stuck with this incoming junior named Terence who has an apparently uncontrollable crush on me.  The worst part is, he flirts with me and even invited me to see Harry Potter 6 with him, and he knows I have a boyfriend!!! Aaaackk and he’s really creepy as well. Hmm…if I’m lucky maybe I can charm my way out of his mind. 

I have another problem as well with Will.  Even though I really like him, I can’t help looking at other guys too! (especially if they’re extremely hot and shirtless) He also is always trying to make out with me, but I don’t want him only to like me because of my looks and so he can kiss me, but also because of my personality.  Too bad that he doesn’t realize this.  My dad always said “Sweet pea, watch out for all boys between the ages of 14 and 60 because no matter what, they all will want to get into your pants”.  Some advice, huh?  Even though this sounded extremely creepy, I never thought Will would fit into this category as well.  I guess you can’t judge a book by its cover, but in Will’s world, he seems to think that he has full cover-judging rights.

Well, thank the lord I finally gained the courage to break up with Will!  A girl like me deserves someone who respects her for whom she is and loves everything about her, even when she completely screws everything up and makes a fool of herself.  When I’m sad and scared, I need a man who will come to comfort me (and who knows how to comfort me instead of saying that kissing will make everything better).

So my point is that I may have found the guy of my dreams!  His name is Chad Wilson and I haven’t even said a word to him in my life but he is absolutely perfect!  He has short brown curly hair and blue eyes, which happen to be my weakness.  I saw him looking at me a couple times so at least he knows I exist…he should because after all I’m on the same water polo team as he is.  Chad joined the swim team just yesterday, but I knew him from before that.  Most girls have.  Chad Wilson is also known as the teen mega-hottie of the century who sings, acts, dances, and joined the water polo team in attempt to “relate with normal people his own age”.  He’s really shy, so I guess that’s a good thing because once I win him over, he won’t be flirting with other girls.  This also means that I will have to make the first move.

 Chapter 3

“Breathe in, breathe out!” her personal stage manager Amber advised.  But she knew out there in the audience he was waiting.  She knew she had to impress him, let him know she was there for him, that she belonged to him and he had to know this.  “Change of song everybody!” she shouted to her band and back-up dancers.  “I’m gonna try the new duet!”  “With who?” Amber questioned.  She responded while grinning broadly, “Chad Wilson.”

Breakover (Song)

Here's the beginning of a new song :)


After every heartbreak
You think I'd let you stay here in my arms
Because I'm that vulnerable

But the cry that tells me to run away
Never fully leaves my heart
Until I see you smile

There's just one thing
That I probably should've told you
Even after all this time
I will always love you

And now
The break's over
I can count on one hand the things
that make me who I am today
I'm proud to say thank you
for all the things you've done to save me
when I was alone the most

Salamander Skin.

The taste of the cold, wet saliva
still moist on the hard solid comfort
which is resting on my parched lips.

The smell that is indescribable,
but once felt,
impossible to forget.

The feeling of my body leaving
and my spirit coming alive
as I breathe in and out.

I suppose that if I tried harder,
this could become a frequent thing.
I guess that's what happened
to you.

And I think that if I was used to this feeling,
I would barely be able to wait for this to happen.
I guess this is how
you feel.

But the lack of comfort and warm that comes with this
is not worth it in the end.
But
I guess this is what it feels like
to be you.

Barrel Roll

Last night I had a dream that I was dying of a lung disease.
But that's irrelevant.
I realized that as I get deeper and deeper into a situation,
I give up on trying to extricate myself from the mess
and instead just look back on the simpler times
and wish I could go back to then.

I think that's why,
when I look at you,
I'm so attracted.
I am worried that your appeal to me is solely because I could start over
with a clean slate.

I always fall for the intriguing,
mysterious men and I never learn that this never works out for me.
I think I'm still waiting for one tangled boy
to come to me
and make up for the mistakes that all the previous ones had made.
But will you fulfill this?
Everything seems perfect,
or so I've been told,
but I'm too afraid of getting hurt.
You must prove to me that you're worth fighting for,
and maybe then I'll fall hard.

But knowing me,
it doesn't take much
to go head over heels
in 2 seconds.

Perspective

So here I am, babysitting (I didn't kill the kid yet which is a good sign...)
and it seems like just yesterday I was living in Massachusetts and I was the one being babysat.
I've come a long way from the Hannah I used to be,
and the journey was worth it.
Here are some of my more favorite moments in my life (and me growing up):

I think this was kindergarten...

Oman when I was in first grade.

My sister and I in my favorite beech tree in MA.

I swear I didn't kill the dog! Buddy as a puppy with me as a 5th grader.

Sixth grade at Sequoia.

Learning to surf in Hawaii, 7th grade...these were the pre-bikini days...

Sister bonding time; Hawaii.

Winning a visual art award.

8th grade graduation.





















Tessa and I at Lake Havasu, Arizona, summer after 8th grade.

After hiking Mt. Washington, NH.

Anna and I backpacking through Escalante, Utah, freshman year.

Frosh volleyball- (aka life before water polo)

The start of my water polo career :)

Las Vegas with Sallie on our Father-Daughter trip.

I guess I kinda had to put prom in here...

Slalom skiing in New Hampshire.

This is priceless :)

Buddy and I, all grown up :)

Varsity polo :)

Winter Formal '09

Sister, sister...

Christmas '09

Junior Dance '10  (best high school dance so far...)

More of that sister love...

Bahamas Spring Break '10

My fourth year sailing...first year in the Caribbean

All the friends :) ASB Dance '10

My dad is a world-famous scientist :) oh and hey there James Cameron...

Couldn't forget my little sister :)

Sums up my friends/life...haha

Someday, we're gonna be crazy.




Well, life is a tough journey to travel through, but I'm so glad I'm here right now :)
Thank you world for throwing crazy turns in my path,
and teaching me how to survive.
I owe you my life.