Tunnel.

Sorry it's been so long;
I was at Pepperdine water polo camp for 5 days <3
and now I'm at JO qualifiers in Santa Barbara.

But camp taught me something important...

Sometimes people have intentions
and expectations
and believe they know what they are doing
and think they know what will happen.

You can be so sure of something,
so focused,
but even then you can be thrown off path.

Nothing can change destiny,
no matter how hard you plead.
Things happen for a reason,
whether to learn something,
to prove something,
to gain something,
or to lose something,
so make the best of what life throws at you.

I did.
And if I didn't,
I would not be here now.
I wouldn't be sitting in this measly motel room typing on a laptop
waiting for the 16U game to start.
I would be in the 18U game.
Possibly a starter.
That is what I've always wanted, right?
To be the best I can be?
But sometimes life throws a curveball at you
and I had to change.
I realized that I couldn't go on like this
progressing at such a slow rate.

I tried my best but in the end,
I lost my head
but I gained my heart back.
Finally,
another who can complete me
and won't leave me crying soft tears into my pillow at night.
One who wants the best for me,
honestly and truly.
It's not a joke.
Because he is doing everything he can for me.

And maybe at the end of the day,
when my best is not good enough for the team,
it's good enough for him.
And maybe this is what everything has been leading up to.

The future knows that it's better for me to be happy
than for me to be the best.
It knows that I can't take the pressure,
and still come through healthy in the end.

I've never felt this way before.
It's like every other post where I've written my feelings
was only minor compared to the way I feel now.
Because normally,
I head into the darkness blindly,
and stumble
and fall
but now I can see the light at the end of the tunnel.
And that's where I meet you.

Sun-Drenched Mornings and Cloud-Filled Nights

It's like flying
soaring
leaping
into the sky
with no limits.

It's like running
galloping
skipping
into the field
with no fences.

It's like swimming
diving
floating
into the water
with no cares.

It's like nothing you've ever felt before
but at the same time,
it's all so familiar.
The sparks,
the scene,
the people,
the faces,
the places.
I guess Mother Nature has her own type of chemistry set to toy with.
Mixing each element with a new background every time,
she creates a whole new image
but dig deeper and see that the basics are the same.

Boy meets girl.
Girl ignores boy.
Boy says hi.
Girl says hi.
Boy thinks girl is hot.
Girl realizes that actually-this-boy-is-kind-of-cute-maybe-something-could-happen-yes-please-right-now??? and maybe he likes me and maybe this could be the best summer ever and whatif we kissed under the stars and whatif we fell in love and whatif this lasted more than summer???

Because, naturally, the girl's emotions take off on a rocketship headed straight for the moon.

Spotlight

Oh every time I close my eyes
I see my name in shining lights
A different city every night oh
I swear the world better prepare
For when I’m a billionaire



So these are part of the lyrics to Billionaire, and ever since I've heard this song for the first time, it has set fire to my dream to be famous.  I've been watching American Idol and America's Got Talent and following people on twitter and, honestly, I can't even sit there for a full minute without dreaming about living the life they have.  Sure, I'm no where near ready to be a powerful singer, but I've been practicing guitar every day and working on music to the songs I've written and I'm going to learn how to sing The Scientist on Thursday.
I've never stood out for anything in my life.
I've never been recognized for any achievements that are important to me.
Sometimes it feels like no one even cares about what I do, or how well I do.
Even when Im doing my best, it's always good, not great, and I don't deserve the spotlight for being the best, but instead for my effort and time and practice.  But no one ever acknowledges effort.
If I was famous, I would finally be known for doing something I love.  My songs are a major part of my life, and I only wish that someday they could truly benefit me.
So watch out, world, cause I'm fighting.
Every day I come closer and closer to my dream, with every note sung, every chord played, and every lyric written.

Lessons

Teach me how to be myself.

My greatest weakness
is knowing how to react
and follow through with the actions
that Hannah would do.

To learn
what Hannah would learn.
To speak
what Hannah would speak.
To grow
as Hannah would grow.

I can write a list of things I like
and my favorites
and who likes who
and fairytale stories
in my diary,
but that does not describe Hannah.

Hannah is the adjectives that are inferred and determined
through her actions
and words spoken
and appearances.
As of now,
I know perfectly well who hannah is,
but I have yet to learn who Hannah is.

Consistency

I remember the first time I Saw you,
and you were helping me through the ropes
at Big Bear
and I fell flat on my face.

I remember the first time I Saw you,

when I was floating in the water,

and you were leaping through the air

off a rock cliff

and our eyes met.

I remember the first time I Saw you,

when you arrived to the house

and I was so anxious

until I saw your face,

and assumed that the next 10 days were going to be painful.

I remember the first time I Saw you,

when we were in the showers

and all my friends were joking around,

but all I could feel was your presence besides me.

I remember the first time I Saw you,

when I was sitting on the side

dangling my feet in the water

and stretching out my newly-hurt shoulder

and you were on the other side

eggbeatering 

and I knew that I couldn't let this pass

because you were too gorgeous.

I remember the first time I Saw you,

when we two knuckleheads

were sitting down together

both too injured to think clearly

but both with a story to share

and bond over.

I remember the first time I Saw you,

but wait-

Actually,

I don't...

and

I feel

like

I should,

but wherever that memory 

used to be

is no longer

and 

maybe this 

is a sign?

Or maybe it means

that this love

will be forgotten...

But I know that it can't

because I can never leave you

and I've tried time and time again

only to continue failing

and come running back to your love and support,

only to continue trying to leave you.

I guess it could pass as a consistent relationship at least...

Dam

I hate that feeling
when you get all tingly
and your vision starts to blur
and your face gets all screwed up
right after they break the news.

It hasn't settled in yet,
but it's starting to
and you know that it's going to hit you full-blast.

There's no time to prepare,
and soon you're seeing double
but there's no time to do anything
you just have to get OUT of there
and the blood rushes to your head and you can't even scream
but can only manage to make a loud gasp
and that's when you
break.

Sparks

When I was a little girl,
I used to dream of Magical kisses,
soft on your lips,
and so romantic and unreal.

But after the boys I've kissed,
I've always been completely conscious
and aware
of what is going on,
and every little feeling,
every little touch,
every little movement
makes me scared,
sick
worried,
nervous
so much that I become tense and nerve-racked.
This isn't a kiss.

So how do you leave the ground?
How can I possibly lose myself in your soft touch,
when I'm stuck here in reality?

I used to think that I could fall asleep in your eyes,
and would die to be the one you love,
the one who kisses you at night.
But all this ever leads to is emotions,
pouring from my eyes and lips
every night.

When all I wanted was a taste of this life,
I got a whole glass.
There's no going back,
but maybe I just haven't found The One.

Maybe you can only have this Magical kiss with one person.
I've read books about girls falling madly in love
and sparks flying when they kissed.
I guess I just wanted to be like them.

I wish I wasn't so curious
that I wouldn't keep coming back from more
when I know it hurts me every time,
but just the chance that one might be different
keeps me held in a headlock
and I can't ever escape.