Spotlight

Oh every time I close my eyes
I see my name in shining lights
A different city every night oh
I swear the world better prepare
For when I’m a billionaire



So these are part of the lyrics to Billionaire, and ever since I've heard this song for the first time, it has set fire to my dream to be famous.  I've been watching American Idol and America's Got Talent and following people on twitter and, honestly, I can't even sit there for a full minute without dreaming about living the life they have.  Sure, I'm no where near ready to be a powerful singer, but I've been practicing guitar every day and working on music to the songs I've written and I'm going to learn how to sing The Scientist on Thursday.
I've never stood out for anything in my life.
I've never been recognized for any achievements that are important to me.
Sometimes it feels like no one even cares about what I do, or how well I do.
Even when Im doing my best, it's always good, not great, and I don't deserve the spotlight for being the best, but instead for my effort and time and practice.  But no one ever acknowledges effort.
If I was famous, I would finally be known for doing something I love.  My songs are a major part of my life, and I only wish that someday they could truly benefit me.
So watch out, world, cause I'm fighting.
Every day I come closer and closer to my dream, with every note sung, every chord played, and every lyric written.

Lessons

Teach me how to be myself.

My greatest weakness
is knowing how to react
and follow through with the actions
that Hannah would do.

To learn
what Hannah would learn.
To speak
what Hannah would speak.
To grow
as Hannah would grow.

I can write a list of things I like
and my favorites
and who likes who
and fairytale stories
in my diary,
but that does not describe Hannah.

Hannah is the adjectives that are inferred and determined
through her actions
and words spoken
and appearances.
As of now,
I know perfectly well who hannah is,
but I have yet to learn who Hannah is.

Consistency

I remember the first time I Saw you,
and you were helping me through the ropes
at Big Bear
and I fell flat on my face.

I remember the first time I Saw you,

when I was floating in the water,

and you were leaping through the air

off a rock cliff

and our eyes met.

I remember the first time I Saw you,

when you arrived to the house

and I was so anxious

until I saw your face,

and assumed that the next 10 days were going to be painful.

I remember the first time I Saw you,

when we were in the showers

and all my friends were joking around,

but all I could feel was your presence besides me.

I remember the first time I Saw you,

when I was sitting on the side

dangling my feet in the water

and stretching out my newly-hurt shoulder

and you were on the other side

eggbeatering 

and I knew that I couldn't let this pass

because you were too gorgeous.

I remember the first time I Saw you,

when we two knuckleheads

were sitting down together

both too injured to think clearly

but both with a story to share

and bond over.

I remember the first time I Saw you,

but wait-

Actually,

I don't...

and

I feel

like

I should,

but wherever that memory 

used to be

is no longer

and 

maybe this 

is a sign?

Or maybe it means

that this love

will be forgotten...

But I know that it can't

because I can never leave you

and I've tried time and time again

only to continue failing

and come running back to your love and support,

only to continue trying to leave you.

I guess it could pass as a consistent relationship at least...

Dam

I hate that feeling
when you get all tingly
and your vision starts to blur
and your face gets all screwed up
right after they break the news.

It hasn't settled in yet,
but it's starting to
and you know that it's going to hit you full-blast.

There's no time to prepare,
and soon you're seeing double
but there's no time to do anything
you just have to get OUT of there
and the blood rushes to your head and you can't even scream
but can only manage to make a loud gasp
and that's when you
break.

Sparks

When I was a little girl,
I used to dream of Magical kisses,
soft on your lips,
and so romantic and unreal.

But after the boys I've kissed,
I've always been completely conscious
and aware
of what is going on,
and every little feeling,
every little touch,
every little movement
makes me scared,
sick
worried,
nervous
so much that I become tense and nerve-racked.
This isn't a kiss.

So how do you leave the ground?
How can I possibly lose myself in your soft touch,
when I'm stuck here in reality?

I used to think that I could fall asleep in your eyes,
and would die to be the one you love,
the one who kisses you at night.
But all this ever leads to is emotions,
pouring from my eyes and lips
every night.

When all I wanted was a taste of this life,
I got a whole glass.
There's no going back,
but maybe I just haven't found The One.

Maybe you can only have this Magical kiss with one person.
I've read books about girls falling madly in love
and sparks flying when they kissed.
I guess I just wanted to be like them.

I wish I wasn't so curious
that I wouldn't keep coming back from more
when I know it hurts me every time,
but just the chance that one might be different
keeps me held in a headlock
and I can't ever escape.