Faith

I killed four yellow flowers today with no regret.
I picked off every single petal,
and every time it landed on
"he loves you"
but I can't rely on this absurd luck to tell me where to go from here.

I screwed up, so one flower was not enough.
I needed three more, hoping that one would be the oddball,
but every single
stupid
worthless
happy
flower betrayed me.

I know the truth.
I can not deny it.
But I hope every last time that maybe,
something will help me out.
Prove me wrong.

Because inside, I am dying.
I've isolated myself from
all my friends,
all my family,
and all my loved ones,
leaving myself no where to run,
No one to escape to,
and no Solace to wipe the tears off my face,
to hold me when I need to be held,
to talk to me when I need reassurance
that I did the Right Thing:

Leaving him.
I can't do it.
I have to stop thinking about every detail,
Blabbing my life and heart's desires to everyone who walks near me.

I can't control myself
because every little incident
slowly
builds up
and
crashes crashes crashes
down on top of me
one
at
a
time
until I act without thinking,
the Hail Mary
that I resort to
every. single. time.

I've done this act before so often
that it has been embedded in my genes.
It is my Way of Life,
and every day I pray to a God I don't believe in
Hoping that one miracle will save me from
this drowning suicide I've unintentionally forced upon myself.

All I've got left is
Faith.