I hate this.
I don't care who the fuck you are but shut the hell up about my friend.
I don't care how well you know him.
I don't care about what he's done and the mistakes he's made.
This isn't the person I know,
Nor do I want to know this boy.
I can't ruin your image with this trash.
At one point I could've said I loved him as a brother,
Now I barely know him.
You were the one who made me laugh in the summer,
Ran a mile to bring me Panda for lunch,
Hugged me when I needed one badly,
Danced with me when no one else would,
Hang out with me when I was alone.
But now I just don't know.
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
Monday, March 29, 2010
Toxic
Hello USA. I'm home now :)
I know I shouldn't still be thinking about this,
but every once in a while
this faint image crawls back into my mind.
A leak,
seeping into my brain
amongst things I've thrown away.
I have a big dumpster in the back of my head
where I throw wasted, useless memories away and
hope they rot.
But I can never forget.
And now I'm worried.
What if this happens again,
but from a person I truly care about?
God, I can only wish with my whole self
that this never, ever happens.
My bubble of safety popped,
and now I'm completely exposed
with nowhere
to run
to hide
to escape.
Someone help me.
I know I shouldn't still be thinking about this,
but every once in a while
this faint image crawls back into my mind.
A leak,
seeping into my brain
amongst things I've thrown away.
I have a big dumpster in the back of my head
where I throw wasted, useless memories away and
hope they rot.
But I can never forget.
And now I'm worried.
What if this happens again,
but from a person I truly care about?
God, I can only wish with my whole self
that this never, ever happens.
My bubble of safety popped,
and now I'm completely exposed
with nowhere
to run
to hide
to escape.
Someone help me.
Friday, March 19, 2010
Leavin
Well goodbye USA, hello Bahamas :)
This will be my last post for a week or so (I'll be sailing!)
so see ya later!
This will be my last post for a week or so (I'll be sailing!)
so see ya later!
Thursday, March 18, 2010
Lifesaver
Today I learned the powers of the internet...their ups AND their downs.
On my formspring, one person left a very unnecessary comment about the music I listen to which hurt my feelings, but didn't go deeper than that. I retaliated smartly, and this is what I learned:
No matter what people say to you, or think about you,
NEVER let it get to your head.
Know who you are, and what your limits are,
and be the best you can be.
It doesn't matter what people think about you because if you're worried about them spreading rumors,
don't be.
If they're lying,
then they don't know you.
The famous quote "Keep your friends close and enemies closer" is bad advice.
Keep your enemies far away,
if not in person, then mentally,
because if they aren't nice to you,
then don't let them influence your self-confidence.
You are the best.
Know it.
Live it.
Be proud of it.
On my formspring, one person left a very unnecessary comment about the music I listen to which hurt my feelings, but didn't go deeper than that. I retaliated smartly, and this is what I learned:
No matter what people say to you, or think about you,
NEVER let it get to your head.
Know who you are, and what your limits are,
and be the best you can be.
It doesn't matter what people think about you because if you're worried about them spreading rumors,
don't be.
If they're lying,
then they don't know you.
The famous quote "Keep your friends close and enemies closer" is bad advice.
Keep your enemies far away,
if not in person, then mentally,
because if they aren't nice to you,
then don't let them influence your self-confidence.
You are the best.
Know it.
Live it.
Be proud of it.
Monday, March 15, 2010
Horror Is Wasted on the Youth
I was reading Crime and Punishment for english class, when I suddenly had a flashback to a couple of years ago...
Imagine a sixth grader, with no worries in the world other than grades in school, just suffering from a move across the country. Imagine her little sister, only in second grade, barely 7 years old. Now imagine them beginning a drive back home from Arizona (land of the stray dogs), 9 hours away from where their house is.
I remember we stopped at this small place on the road
with a sign that said
"Dinosaur Tracks Here"
and for a few dollars,
a latino man would show you some T-rex footprints
stomped into the greenish-grey rock.
I remember putting my foot into the huge tracks,
and seeing how small I am in this world.
There was a skinny dog there,
so tiny that his ribs were perfectly etched on his pale brown fur.
This dog was sweet, and slowly, quietly,
came over to beg for food, probably smelling our dog's scent on us.
The latino man came over,
apologized for the dog bothering us.
There was no problem...I thought to myself.
The man uttered a grunt, kicked the dog,
and I heard him squeal a small yelp.
The dog laid motionless on the hard, rock ground,
too weak to get back up.
If you thought I was shocked,
you can only imagine how petrified my little sister was.
Who knew the world could be this cruel?
Young minds can only wander.
We brought some of the dog food we had been carrying in our car
over to the dog, who finally managed to stand back up.
I watched the food move through his body,
his whole sides shaking.
I was so proud for the small act we had done,
to help ease the pain in one soul in this world.
~~~
A month later,
We came back to visit Arizona.
Waking up from a nap,
my sister watched the rocks zoom by outside of her window.
On my side, I noticed suddenly-
I saw a brown lump on the side of the road,
right by the
Dinosaur Tracks.
I knew what it was.
I was surprised he had lived this long.
My sister saw too.
I remember the tears sparkle in her eyes,
then slowly slip down onto her cheek,
right before the bawling came.
I'm not sure what made me think of this, but I think it has something to do with this-no matter how hard you try to succeed in life through all your difficult times, you are wiped away in the end.
I hope this isn't true.
Imagine a sixth grader, with no worries in the world other than grades in school, just suffering from a move across the country. Imagine her little sister, only in second grade, barely 7 years old. Now imagine them beginning a drive back home from Arizona (land of the stray dogs), 9 hours away from where their house is.
I remember we stopped at this small place on the road
with a sign that said
"Dinosaur Tracks Here"
and for a few dollars,
a latino man would show you some T-rex footprints
stomped into the greenish-grey rock.
I remember putting my foot into the huge tracks,
and seeing how small I am in this world.
There was a skinny dog there,
so tiny that his ribs were perfectly etched on his pale brown fur.
This dog was sweet, and slowly, quietly,
came over to beg for food, probably smelling our dog's scent on us.
The latino man came over,
apologized for the dog bothering us.
There was no problem...I thought to myself.
The man uttered a grunt, kicked the dog,
and I heard him squeal a small yelp.
The dog laid motionless on the hard, rock ground,
too weak to get back up.
If you thought I was shocked,
you can only imagine how petrified my little sister was.
Who knew the world could be this cruel?
Young minds can only wander.
We brought some of the dog food we had been carrying in our car
over to the dog, who finally managed to stand back up.
I watched the food move through his body,
his whole sides shaking.
I was so proud for the small act we had done,
to help ease the pain in one soul in this world.
~~~
A month later,
We came back to visit Arizona.
Waking up from a nap,
my sister watched the rocks zoom by outside of her window.
On my side, I noticed suddenly-
I saw a brown lump on the side of the road,
right by the
Dinosaur Tracks.
I knew what it was.
I was surprised he had lived this long.
My sister saw too.
I remember the tears sparkle in her eyes,
then slowly slip down onto her cheek,
right before the bawling came.
I'm not sure what made me think of this, but I think it has something to do with this-no matter how hard you try to succeed in life through all your difficult times, you are wiped away in the end.
I hope this isn't true.
Steady Your Vision
I can't even begin to count the number of times I've hurt.
I've hurt in my heart,
my brain,
my soul,
and my body
but once in a while, something happens
that rocks my whole being
and shatters me to tiny shards of glass.
I thought I used to be a rock?
I guess not.
But this makes me stronger,
and every last fight
builds me back up,
I grow new strength
like a flower blossoming its first new petals.
I can be reborn in the midst of a tragedy,
and each time I open my new eyes into the world I learn new things.
I know who to hold on to
that will make me more powerful,
and I know who to let go of
that will only tear me down.
Each time I fall,
my vision gets clearer,
until one day,
I'll see for miles into the future.
I've hurt in my heart,
my brain,
my soul,
and my body
but once in a while, something happens
that rocks my whole being
and shatters me to tiny shards of glass.
I thought I used to be a rock?
I guess not.
But this makes me stronger,
and every last fight
builds me back up,
I grow new strength
like a flower blossoming its first new petals.
I can be reborn in the midst of a tragedy,
and each time I open my new eyes into the world I learn new things.
I know who to hold on to
that will make me more powerful,
and I know who to let go of
that will only tear me down.
Each time I fall,
my vision gets clearer,
until one day,
I'll see for miles into the future.
Saturday, March 13, 2010
Bookworm
I went shopping today with my mom and little sister, and I thought about what kind of stuff I wanted to buy, and what kind of image I wanted to put out about myself. My friends and classmates know that I tend to wear fairly low cut shirts and short shorts, but thats just what I feel comfy in. However, I DO NOT want to put out the image that I am a slut. Or that I want to be. Because I don't, and I don't want people to get that impression of myself.
But what's sad is that people don't always get to choose the kind of image they put out, and this is a problem because people always say "don't judge a book by its cover" while in reality, it's extremely rare to find someone who follows this rule. When I look at something for the first time, I try to look beneath the surface and get to know the person underneath their skin. But because of the way the mind works, your brain already starts processing thoughts about this person before they even open their mouth to say a word.
People can get so caught up in the image that they want to put out, and they lose track of themselves and appear like someone they never wanted to be. I personally know people like this, and it's really sad. People who buy into the perks of the "popular group" and leave their old friends forever. But sometimes, they regain who they really are again, and I will always be there to welcome them back. You can hide who you are, but in the end, it's really hard not to have your true light shine through.
But what's sad is that people don't always get to choose the kind of image they put out, and this is a problem because people always say "don't judge a book by its cover" while in reality, it's extremely rare to find someone who follows this rule. When I look at something for the first time, I try to look beneath the surface and get to know the person underneath their skin. But because of the way the mind works, your brain already starts processing thoughts about this person before they even open their mouth to say a word.
People can get so caught up in the image that they want to put out, and they lose track of themselves and appear like someone they never wanted to be. I personally know people like this, and it's really sad. People who buy into the perks of the "popular group" and leave their old friends forever. But sometimes, they regain who they really are again, and I will always be there to welcome them back. You can hide who you are, but in the end, it's really hard not to have your true light shine through.
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
Acid Rain
As I sit here, typing,
my hair is still singed,
smoking,
from the rain.
I turned it up,
hotter,
so hot,
I was burning
so I sat down under it,
looked up,
and smiled.
I closed my eyes
and I could feel it eat me up.
"Faster,"
I said,
"faster."
I wanted to be gone
right then and there,
to have the rain swallow me whole.
And I waited,
with shut eyes,
still grinning,
as my skin slowly disappeared
and nothing was left of me on the floor.
Nothing was left at all.
please visit~
http://www.dontgrowontrees.blogspot.com/
my hair is still singed,
smoking,
from the rain.
I turned it up,
hotter,
so hot,
I was burning
so I sat down under it,
looked up,
and smiled.
I closed my eyes
and I could feel it eat me up.
"Faster,"
I said,
"faster."
I wanted to be gone
right then and there,
to have the rain swallow me whole.
And I waited,
with shut eyes,
still grinning,
as my skin slowly disappeared
and nothing was left of me on the floor.
Nothing was left at all.
please visit~
http://www.dontgrowontrees.blogspot.com/
I Tried.
I gave my best efforts.
But you didn't get the point.
Why is this so hard for you and me to work out?
I miss you.
I miss you so much.
But you don't see what's wrong with this picture.
We used to talk.
Every
single
day
and now we haven't talked in over a week.
You left so many questions unanswered,
and I feel more empty than I did before I tried to fix this.
I'm sorry, but I hope we don't grow too far apart.
I really, really miss you and I hope things don't change.
Please believe me.
I need your trust, or this will never work out.
Have hope in me for once, please, just this one time I'm begging you.
I'll make it up to you.
You know I'd do anything just to talk to you again normally.
Please be there.
I miss the old you.
But you didn't get the point.
Why is this so hard for you and me to work out?
I miss you.
I miss you so much.
But you don't see what's wrong with this picture.
We used to talk.
Every
single
day
and now we haven't talked in over a week.
You left so many questions unanswered,
and I feel more empty than I did before I tried to fix this.
I'm sorry, but I hope we don't grow too far apart.
I really, really miss you and I hope things don't change.
Please believe me.
I need your trust, or this will never work out.
Have hope in me for once, please, just this one time I'm begging you.
I'll make it up to you.
You know I'd do anything just to talk to you again normally.
Please be there.
I miss the old you.
Monday, March 8, 2010
Patches
So I've been spending some time thinking, and I realized that I wasn't being realistic in my mind. I figured I could just let things go, and stop ignoring the fact that I let him slip right through my fingers even when I held on as tight as I could. Which is probably why he escaped...but I pretended I did not care. I pretended this so hard, so badly, that I tricked myself into believing I was okay with it. But I wasn't and I'm not now. I just wish I knew why he slipped under my grasp, leaving no explanation, and completely disappearing from my life. But I talked to myself today, and the words popped out of my mouth, completely unexpected, and I realized what I had been hiding this whole time. No matter how I try to shove my past away, concealed in a place no one can see, I was really hurt and I need to do something about it. I was going to talk to him today, but suddenly I grew scared. Why hadn't I noticed this before? Butterflies raced through my stomach, churning it into a vat of fear. This one kid, this silly boy, can scare me this much? Make me so nervous? How does he do it?
I hate feeling so powerless, so I'm going to muster up the power tomorrow. I will find out why he left me so suddenly, and I will fix things.
Thank you, my dear friend.
I hate feeling so powerless, so I'm going to muster up the power tomorrow. I will find out why he left me so suddenly, and I will fix things.
Thank you, my dear friend.
Sunday, March 7, 2010
Girls Rule
No boy can ever tell you the opposite.
I know how self-centered I must seem right now, but one of the easiest ways to get over a boy is to show yourself how happy and confident you are without him.
I know how self-centered I must seem right now, but one of the easiest ways to get over a boy is to show yourself how happy and confident you are without him.
Saturday, March 6, 2010
I Wasn't Tagged.
So I wasn't tagged in this,
but I saw it and wanted to contribute my ideas.
12 things I like,
1 thing I love,
8 things I hate.
I like dreaming, where the lines between my harsh reality and my soft imaginary world of things-that-should-be blend together.
I like lip gloss and the way it makes my lips feel smooth and soft.
I like sunflowers.
I like running through the grass and mud in my barefeet, feeling it squish between my toes, and climbing up trees with the rough bark on my feet.
I like watching the rain fall down, down, down, and splat on the ground.
I like sitting in bed after a long day and singing to myself.
I like soft snowflakes falling on my hair and nose.
I like showers.
I like curling up next to my dog and knowing that in his world, everything is simple and okay.
I like when it's smoky from the fires and I can pretend I lead some dramatic movie-life in which every day I face the peril of whether or not I will live to see the dawn of the next day.
I like thunder and lightning and the way they make me feel so small in the world.
I like the way it feels to have the ball escape your hand and hurtle towards the cage, with the confidence that you know you've made this goal.
I love the feeling of having someone there to hold me when I need it most.
I hate backstabbers.
I hate it when you barely know someone, they become a great friend for a week, then disappear from your entire life.
I hate being in a crowd and yet feeling alone.
I hate the feeling when you know you're at the bottom, and you can't sink any lower, but somehow you must come up with the strength to get back up and move on.
I hate when you scream and scream and scream and no one can hear.
I hate knowing that I am insignificant in this universe.
I hate how people can not connect with nature any more and destroy all life around them.
I hate waking up every day knowing that out there, somewhere in the world, someone hates me.
but I saw it and wanted to contribute my ideas.
12 things I like,
1 thing I love,
8 things I hate.
I like dreaming, where the lines between my harsh reality and my soft imaginary world of things-that-should-be blend together.
I like lip gloss and the way it makes my lips feel smooth and soft.
I like sunflowers.
I like running through the grass and mud in my barefeet, feeling it squish between my toes, and climbing up trees with the rough bark on my feet.
I like watching the rain fall down, down, down, and splat on the ground.
I like sitting in bed after a long day and singing to myself.
I like soft snowflakes falling on my hair and nose.
I like showers.
I like curling up next to my dog and knowing that in his world, everything is simple and okay.
I like when it's smoky from the fires and I can pretend I lead some dramatic movie-life in which every day I face the peril of whether or not I will live to see the dawn of the next day.
I like thunder and lightning and the way they make me feel so small in the world.
I like the way it feels to have the ball escape your hand and hurtle towards the cage, with the confidence that you know you've made this goal.
I love the feeling of having someone there to hold me when I need it most.
I hate backstabbers.
I hate it when you barely know someone, they become a great friend for a week, then disappear from your entire life.
I hate being in a crowd and yet feeling alone.
I hate the feeling when you know you're at the bottom, and you can't sink any lower, but somehow you must come up with the strength to get back up and move on.
I hate when you scream and scream and scream and no one can hear.
I hate knowing that I am insignificant in this universe.
I hate how people can not connect with nature any more and destroy all life around them.
I hate waking up every day knowing that out there, somewhere in the world, someone hates me.
Friday, March 5, 2010
Let Me Down (Song) [Chorus]
Here's the chorus of a song I just made up in the shower haha...it's not intentionally awkward I promise.
How does it feel
to know you've let me down
Could've risked it all for
But you didn't want it badly enough
And how does it feel
to know you traded everything
Just to be alone.
Cause I know
It doesn't feel too great.
How does it feel
to know you've let me down
Could've risked it all for
But you didn't want it badly enough
And how does it feel
to know you traded everything
Just to be alone.
Cause I know
It doesn't feel too great.
Faith
I killed four yellow flowers today with no regret.
I picked off every single petal,
and every time it landed on
"he loves you"
but I can't rely on this absurd luck to tell me where to go from here.
I screwed up, so one flower was not enough.
I needed three more, hoping that one would be the oddball,
but every single
stupid
worthless
happy
flower betrayed me.
I know the truth.
I can not deny it.
But I hope every last time that maybe,
something will help me out.
Prove me wrong.
Because inside, I am dying.
I've isolated myself from
all my friends,
all my family,
and all my loved ones,
leaving myself no where to run,
No one to escape to,
and no Solace to wipe the tears off my face,
to hold me when I need to be held,
to talk to me when I need reassurance
that I did the Right Thing:
Leaving him.
I can't do it.
I have to stop thinking about every detail,
Blabbing my life and heart's desires to everyone who walks near me.
I can't control myself
because every little incident
slowly
builds up
and
crashes crashes crashes
down on top of me
one
at
a
time
until I act without thinking,
the Hail Mary
that I resort to
every. single. time.
I've done this act before so often
that it has been embedded in my genes.
It is my Way of Life,
and every day I pray to a God I don't believe in
Hoping that one miracle will save me from
this drowning suicide I've unintentionally forced upon myself.
All I've got left is
Faith.
I picked off every single petal,
and every time it landed on
"he loves you"
but I can't rely on this absurd luck to tell me where to go from here.
I screwed up, so one flower was not enough.
I needed three more, hoping that one would be the oddball,
but every single
stupid
worthless
happy
flower betrayed me.
I know the truth.
I can not deny it.
But I hope every last time that maybe,
something will help me out.
Prove me wrong.
Because inside, I am dying.
I've isolated myself from
all my friends,
all my family,
and all my loved ones,
leaving myself no where to run,
No one to escape to,
and no Solace to wipe the tears off my face,
to hold me when I need to be held,
to talk to me when I need reassurance
that I did the Right Thing:
Leaving him.
I can't do it.
I have to stop thinking about every detail,
Blabbing my life and heart's desires to everyone who walks near me.
I can't control myself
because every little incident
slowly
builds up
and
crashes crashes crashes
down on top of me
one
at
a
time
until I act without thinking,
the Hail Mary
that I resort to
every. single. time.
I've done this act before so often
that it has been embedded in my genes.
It is my Way of Life,
and every day I pray to a God I don't believe in
Hoping that one miracle will save me from
this drowning suicide I've unintentionally forced upon myself.
All I've got left is
Faith.
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
Just Friends
It's easier than I could've ever imagined.
So I did it,
in effort for me to
A. Grow up
B. Earn a close friend
and
C. Show that I could be like everyone else if I tried.
But really,
this is good.
I like this.
It helps me move on, regain balance, and respect myself.
Thank you for making me happy.
So I did it,
in effort for me to
A. Grow up
B. Earn a close friend
and
C. Show that I could be like everyone else if I tried.
But really,
this is good.
I like this.
It helps me move on, regain balance, and respect myself.
Thank you for making me happy.
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