Cause sometimes you just feel tired.
You feel weak
and when you feel weak you feel like you wanna just give up.
But you gotta search within you
you gotta find that inner strength
and just pull that shit out of you
and get that motivation
to not give up
and not be a quitter
no matter how bad
you wanna just fall flat on your face and
collapse.
Sunday, January 17, 2010
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
Scoreboard.
I see you.
You, sitting there, right and 5 feet away.
Don't think I can't hear you.
Because every time you ignore me to my face and speak those hurting words that say
I hate you
I soak in a little more pain,
Your spoken fragments crush my sense of judgement,
And my confidence slowly withers away
Until I am left as
the laughing stock,
the screwball,
the freak.
Don't even try to lie.
Don't even say "it was a mistake and I couldn't think around you".
I know you better than you think.
Yes, I know I lost.
You don't have to make it worse.
You, sitting there, right and 5 feet away.
Don't think I can't hear you.
Because every time you ignore me to my face and speak those hurting words that say
I hate you
I soak in a little more pain,
Your spoken fragments crush my sense of judgement,
And my confidence slowly withers away
Until I am left as
the laughing stock,
the screwball,
the freak.
Don't even try to lie.
Don't even say "it was a mistake and I couldn't think around you".
I know you better than you think.
Yes, I know I lost.
You don't have to make it worse.
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
Rock Bottom
Today we had an away game, which we on 7-6, and the pool we played at was salt water instead of chlorine. The water really stung our skin, but felt good on my eyes, so I had them open underwater pretty much like the whole game. Which I thought was a smart decision until 10 min after the game when my eyes were incredibly itchy and I couldn't see well because a thin layer of white film was over everything I looked at. Lights are all fuzzy and it looks like everything is covered in fog. So I go up to one girl and say, "hey can you look and see if my eyes are red? I had them open like the whole game" and the girl next to her turns around and says "at least you were in the whole game. I played for 52 seconds." and looks reallllyyyy pissed off.
So I didn't know what to say, but there were a few things I might've said.
I couldve said, "Sorry, It's not my fault I went to the rose bowl and got pro while you didnt play any sports and now you're out of shape" but that wasnt a nice thing to say.
I might've said "I'm not that good at all really" but that would seem like I was fishing for compliments.
Then I remembered soemthing. I knew how she felt. Three months ago I was in her position at the Rose Bowl playing in the Monday Night League. The worst game I ever played was the one where I played for a minute, my whole family was watching and some friends, and while I was in I didn't even do anything that benefitted the team.
So what I said in the end was, "I'm sorry, I know how you feel." and I did.
Unfortuneately, I'm pretty sure she didn't freaking care because she looked at me with disgust and walked away. However, this taught me an important lesson. I realized how much I have grown in those three months. My coaches play me often and rewarded me by giving me a starting spot on the varsity team. I knew the reasons why I got there were my effort, spirit, and evident success.
This is the difference between me and the other girl.
She knows what she wants, but doesn't yearn to achieve it, but by pushing myself into uncomfortable situations and learning from my mistakes I became the better person in the end.
Am I a monster? I don't think so...in the end of a battle, one side always comes out on top over the other one. This girl never learned how to leave the bottom.
I used to be on this bottom.
Not anymore.
So I didn't know what to say, but there were a few things I might've said.
I couldve said, "Sorry, It's not my fault I went to the rose bowl and got pro while you didnt play any sports and now you're out of shape" but that wasnt a nice thing to say.
I might've said "I'm not that good at all really" but that would seem like I was fishing for compliments.
Then I remembered soemthing. I knew how she felt. Three months ago I was in her position at the Rose Bowl playing in the Monday Night League. The worst game I ever played was the one where I played for a minute, my whole family was watching and some friends, and while I was in I didn't even do anything that benefitted the team.
So what I said in the end was, "I'm sorry, I know how you feel." and I did.
Unfortuneately, I'm pretty sure she didn't freaking care because she looked at me with disgust and walked away. However, this taught me an important lesson. I realized how much I have grown in those three months. My coaches play me often and rewarded me by giving me a starting spot on the varsity team. I knew the reasons why I got there were my effort, spirit, and evident success.
This is the difference between me and the other girl.
She knows what she wants, but doesn't yearn to achieve it, but by pushing myself into uncomfortable situations and learning from my mistakes I became the better person in the end.
Am I a monster? I don't think so...in the end of a battle, one side always comes out on top over the other one. This girl never learned how to leave the bottom.
I used to be on this bottom.
Not anymore.
Monday, January 4, 2010
This Heartache (Numb) [Revised Edition]
You feel so great when he talks to you
Floating on a cloud higher than high
But as soon as he goes away
The feeling starts to fade
As you realize it’s not all you thought it was
And how could I
Interpret something so wrong
Wanted it so badly
That I completely fooled myself
I know I'll work it out
Because I have to show you
Who I really am inside of these looks
But right now
You made so numb
That I can't feel you touching me at all
But it could be because you're nowhere close enough.
Things were going great
Til suddenly we drifted
Now I have to get this road block
Out of your path to me
Clear it like how you did to my heart
And how could I
Interpret something so wrong
Wanted it so badly
That I completely fooled myself
And you wonder why you’re the one
Without a response
He’s left you out in the cold
And you’re turning numb
When the rain starts to pour
You’re not feeling anything anymore
He can’t ever see how he’s treated you
Til’ you’re empty and done
But the heartache’s just begun
These reasons rush you, rush you
And emotions push you, push you
Farther til’ the goals out of sight
You need to make it
Before she breaks him away from you
I know I'll work it out
Because I have to show you
Who I really am inside of these looks
But right now
You made so numb
That I can't feel you touching me
Touching me,
Are you touching me at all?
But right now,
You've hurt me so badly
But you haven't even done anything at all.
But because you're so far away
It does more damage than I could ever believe.
I know I'll work it out
Because I have to show you
Who I really am inside of these looks
But right now
You made so numb
That I can't feel you touching me at all
But it could be because you're nowhere close enough.
Floating on a cloud higher than high
But as soon as he goes away
The feeling starts to fade
As you realize it’s not all you thought it was
And how could I
Interpret something so wrong
Wanted it so badly
That I completely fooled myself
I know I'll work it out
Because I have to show you
Who I really am inside of these looks
But right now
You made so numb
That I can't feel you touching me at all
But it could be because you're nowhere close enough.
Things were going great
Til suddenly we drifted
Now I have to get this road block
Out of your path to me
Clear it like how you did to my heart
And how could I
Interpret something so wrong
Wanted it so badly
That I completely fooled myself
And you wonder why you’re the one
Without a response
He’s left you out in the cold
And you’re turning numb
When the rain starts to pour
You’re not feeling anything anymore
He can’t ever see how he’s treated you
Til’ you’re empty and done
But the heartache’s just begun
These reasons rush you, rush you
And emotions push you, push you
Farther til’ the goals out of sight
You need to make it
Before she breaks him away from you
I know I'll work it out
Because I have to show you
Who I really am inside of these looks
But right now
You made so numb
That I can't feel you touching me
Touching me,
Are you touching me at all?
But right now,
You've hurt me so badly
But you haven't even done anything at all.
But because you're so far away
It does more damage than I could ever believe.
I know I'll work it out
Because I have to show you
Who I really am inside of these looks
But right now
You made so numb
That I can't feel you touching me at all
But it could be because you're nowhere close enough.
Sunday, January 3, 2010
Revolution
The other day my little sister started telling us her New Year's "Revolutions", and we laughed at her mistake. However, I realized that maybe she was on to something. I still haven't made my resolutions, but here I'll try to make some. By looking at my year in review, I'll find my flaws so I can correct them, and maybe even made a revolution in my life.
Boys:
-Fell in and out of liking (not love!) with one, but months later discovered that he had hurt me without me knowing
-Won over the heart of an older man, but realized he only liked me for my body and that I only wanted him so I could control him. Went to prom, then I dumped him. (after I found out that his mother had breast cancer...)
-Fell in love? maybe! with one boy, and he is so amazing. Never been more sure of myself around anyone else, something about him is incredible. I feel so comfortable with him and I don't know why, but I hope I'm not using him like last time. I'm pretty sure it's gonna be tough to win this one over...
Friends:
-Lost my best friend to a boy, but got her back a couple months later, but the bond isn't the same.
-Became closer to two people.
-Made friends with the new girl over the summer during a math class.
-Became better friends with two guys.
School:
Chemistry - I need to get THE highest grade possible because if I don't it won't look good for college
Math - Ad math suddenly got verrrry difficult due to the fact that all my classmates know something I don't...
Spanish 3-I have yet to actually speak in this class, which is a problem due to the fact its SPANISH :/
History - Ditto. This. Class. Sucks.
English - woopee! I'm doing better in English than I have in the last 5 years! :D
Sports: (well actually just water polo, not gonna talk bout volleyball/swimming)
- Started JV water polo!
- During swim season realized my passion for water polo to the point where I started crying in the showers.
- Joined the Rose Bowl Water Polo team = best decision of my life!
- Suddenly became completely awesome, wowed my coaches, and received a STARTING POSITION AS A SPRINTER ON THE VARSITY TEAM averaging 2 goals per game!!!
So here's what I'm come up with for my "Revolutions":
1. Don't go crazy over every boy that looks at you: it does not mean he likes you!!!
2. Like a guy for who he TRULY is: not because you want a boyfriend or because it makes you look better.
3. Don't freak guys out, or you will get hurt. If you get hurt, brush it off and don't let it stop you from winning over another man.
4. Despite the craziness over school, don't let your social life disappear/ruin your grades!
5. #4 aka STAY OFF FACEBOOK WHEN SUPPOSED TO BE DOING HW/PAPERS/STUDYING!!!!!!!!!!!
6. Don't be a pushover to my friends! Let them know when you're sad, or if they do something that bothers you: don't just pretend it never happened!
7. Talk to your teachers and let them know what you understand and don't, they don't bite! and it shows that you're responsible
8. KICK ASS!!! there's nothing else to it. Have your teammates respect and prove to them that you are at their level and that they can trust you.
9. You want to be tight with your team, but their will always be the tension between people competing for the top. Take advantage of your abilities to move up slowly and take everyone down one by one.
10. Now I sound harsh...last revolution! Be successful without a bad reputation.
Now there's all my resolution/revolutions which I WILL be sticking to and I will post about how successful I am doing.
I realized while writing these that they are all addressed to "you", whoever that might be, but then I thought that maybe, these revolutions can be guidelines for anyone, and they can be altered to your situations :)
HAPPY NEW YEAR AND MAY 2010 BE THE BEST YEAR EVER!!!
Boys:
-Fell in and out of liking (not love!) with one, but months later discovered that he had hurt me without me knowing
-Won over the heart of an older man, but realized he only liked me for my body and that I only wanted him so I could control him. Went to prom, then I dumped him. (after I found out that his mother had breast cancer...)
-Fell in love? maybe! with one boy, and he is so amazing. Never been more sure of myself around anyone else, something about him is incredible. I feel so comfortable with him and I don't know why, but I hope I'm not using him like last time. I'm pretty sure it's gonna be tough to win this one over...
Friends:
-Lost my best friend to a boy, but got her back a couple months later, but the bond isn't the same.
-Became closer to two people.
-Made friends with the new girl over the summer during a math class.
-Became better friends with two guys.
School:
Chemistry - I need to get THE highest grade possible because if I don't it won't look good for college
Math - Ad math suddenly got verrrry difficult due to the fact that all my classmates know something I don't...
Spanish 3-I have yet to actually speak in this class, which is a problem due to the fact its SPANISH :/
History - Ditto. This. Class. Sucks.
English - woopee! I'm doing better in English than I have in the last 5 years! :D
Sports: (well actually just water polo, not gonna talk bout volleyball/swimming)
- Started JV water polo!
- During swim season realized my passion for water polo to the point where I started crying in the showers.
- Joined the Rose Bowl Water Polo team = best decision of my life!
- Suddenly became completely awesome, wowed my coaches, and received a STARTING POSITION AS A SPRINTER ON THE VARSITY TEAM averaging 2 goals per game!!!
So here's what I'm come up with for my "Revolutions":
1. Don't go crazy over every boy that looks at you: it does not mean he likes you!!!
2. Like a guy for who he TRULY is: not because you want a boyfriend or because it makes you look better.
3. Don't freak guys out, or you will get hurt. If you get hurt, brush it off and don't let it stop you from winning over another man.
4. Despite the craziness over school, don't let your social life disappear/ruin your grades!
5. #4 aka STAY OFF FACEBOOK WHEN SUPPOSED TO BE DOING HW/PAPERS/STUDYING!!!!!!!!!!!
6. Don't be a pushover to my friends! Let them know when you're sad, or if they do something that bothers you: don't just pretend it never happened!
7. Talk to your teachers and let them know what you understand and don't, they don't bite! and it shows that you're responsible
8. KICK ASS!!! there's nothing else to it. Have your teammates respect and prove to them that you are at their level and that they can trust you.
9. You want to be tight with your team, but their will always be the tension between people competing for the top. Take advantage of your abilities to move up slowly and take everyone down one by one.
10. Now I sound harsh...last revolution! Be successful without a bad reputation.
Now there's all my resolution/revolutions which I WILL be sticking to and I will post about how successful I am doing.
I realized while writing these that they are all addressed to "you", whoever that might be, but then I thought that maybe, these revolutions can be guidelines for anyone, and they can be altered to your situations :)
HAPPY NEW YEAR AND MAY 2010 BE THE BEST YEAR EVER!!!
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