Ticket

I've tried to explain to him time and time again
why whenever I like someone,
I expect to end up dating them.
I'm just one of those people who believe that if you wanna do something,
there's gotta be a reason behind it
or else I'm wasting my time.
But he doesn't understand.
"You're over thinking it."
he tells me.
"It's okay to have a little crush and not want something to come out of it."
he tries to explain.
And I get that.
I understand it.

But my mind and heart are two separate entities,
and one will function without the other,
leaving me bleeding from both.

Loving is essentially what kills me.
Whenever I love something,
it's always unrequited.
And he doesn't get that.
Just because he's never wanted a relationship
doesn't mean that I don't want one either.
And that's perfectly normal in high school.
All I want is to be loved,
and he expects me to believe that his love is enough to fix that.
But there's a huge emotional gap between
someone who always talks to you
and someone who is actually your other half.

I wish I knew what it felt like to be in love.
Just to have experienced it,
so when it hits me,
I'll know what to expect.

I love this blog.
When I don't have anyone to talk to,
anyone who would understand me,
I know that I can say anything on here,
even if it's only to get an insecure idea off my chest.
I need to write.
It's a meditation for me.

I think,
all in all,
I would rather be alone and be able to write,
than have the most awesome boyfriend in the world,
and be restricted from writing.
Maybe.
But having both of these would be nice, too.

Fast Car
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q4-8WE6YizE

Room for Two

It's not that I'm head-over-heels,
completely fallen for him,
it's just that I've got those kind of butterflies
every time we make eye contact,
every time he smiles at me.

I've generated two very different responses
from my best girl friend
and my best guy friend.

The guy essentially said, "He fingered this girl at a New Year's Eve party, and gets wasted all the time. He's not your type, and I think he likes the girl who asked him to the dance. If I were you I would just be friends and nothing more."
The girl essentially said, "OMG! He totally has some sort of thing for you. At the least, he thinks you're attractive. What if he asked you to prom?! I'm gonna help you talk to him!"

So at this point I'm completely confused and I have no idea where to go from here.
Ideas?

Teenage Dream (Remix) -> I know I've already posted this, but I love it!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SYKnTeclmOs

Update

THE NAIL POLISH JUST ARRIVED

(pics are soon to come...)

Changes

So my school has this girl-ask dance on Saturday,
but I'm just gonna go stag...boring huh?
well there aren't too many boys at my school I would wanna ask,
though.
I still have to buy my dress so I'm gonna do that on Friday, and probably post a pic.

Also...I ORDERED THE KATY PERRY NAIL POLISH :D
I'm so happy!I'm gonna paint my nails with it for the dance,
and I think I'm gonna use "Not Like The Movies" with the Black Shatter which is SO COOL

So I'm pretty excited...
I also started swim team today :/ the year is going by so fast!
I can't stand it.
I'm gonna be a senior next year, then college, then life!!!
It's crazy.

Hummingbird Heartbeat
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K_o4Fqq3vxc

Mistakes

I'll say I'm done with you,

but then somehow I'll hear about you

or see your sister or your dad

and even though you're never there

I'll have to see how you're doing

and I'll press send without second thoughts-

and every time it becomes

the most embarrassing thing 

of my whole life.

The One That Got Away

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q45PVYamJbY

Kitty Purry

Okay so it's been some days since my last post,
but my post today is dedicated to Katy Perry!
Growing up I've never had any favorite celebrities or role models,
but I bought Katy Perry's whole Teenage Dream album yesterday,
and I was surprised that I loved so many of the songs on it.
I've always had a kind of weird impression of her,
mostly because of her bizarre outfits.
But the thing I realized about Katy Perry is that even though she may wear scandalous things sometimes,
she exudes this enormous amount of confidence and happiness with everything she does.
And I also love her makeup.
And some of her outfits.
And her music.

Some of my favorite songs on the album:

Peacock Remix

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VqsXmwJH0Po

Teenage Dream Remix

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dlp_gkVhPbY

Not Like The Movies

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9ewTkrfaWtA

So here are my favorite pics of her:

I love how her makeup is so natural yet so pretty.

Love this whole outfit.

One of my most fav outfits that's not from the red carpet

Love the hat and makeup.

Love the easy pretty makeup and gorgeous dress.

So pretty and classy, one of her best outfits in my opinion.

I love the sleek ponytail and sparkles.

This glowing dress was SO cool! Great idea

Very classy and gorgeous, love the hair and makeup.

The dress is hot and I love the shoes and makeup.

Modest dress but still pretty.

Once again I love the sparkles and lips.

Eyeliner.

Sparkles. And I love her hair.

Very classy and I loved the natural makeup.

Fun outfit and makeup.

Absolutely gorgeous dress.

Sparkly dress and awesome heels.

Love her sunglasses, this is from her Teenage Dream music video.

Positive

So I know some of you out there probably know what this feels like
But let me just say that it sucks when you fall for your friend's crush.

It's almost inevitable,
because of the way she talks about him,
and you start to notice how attractive he is,
and when he starts to talk to you,
you can't help but notice how perfect his smile is
and how cute his hair is
and how attractive his voice is.

You just can't help but feel a twinge of regret
when she asks you to help her ask him to the dance
and when she talks about how sure she is
that he likes her.

But there's really nothing I can do now.

You're Beautiful
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oofSnsGkops

Castles

I love the way I could stare at the sky
and even when we were apart
I would feel like you were there with me.

The way that you knew my face so clearly
that without looking you could paint
a perfect replica of every freckle,
every line,
every strand of hair.

When we would hold hands
and we were so close
that it didn't feel like we were two people,
but it felt like we were molded together,
into one being
that had the same heart,
same feelings,
same warmth.

And when we kissed,
I just completely melted into you
and this tingling down my arms
and in my toes
spread your warmth throughout my whole body.

I wish I could hold these moments in my hand
and keep them forever
just to remember
that once upon a time,
I did have love.
And the only thing preventing me from having it today
is myself.

That's All She Wrote
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Af7G6J7zUOQ

Flashbacks

Every action I make
always reminds me of someone else
and who I was back then.

I wish I could change.
Reliving the past is my kryptonite,
but I can't stop.
Every song, every picture, every place,
every moment
is filled with usually painful remembrance.

My phone is the worst.
Every flirty text I ever sent
was from that heart-wrenching device
and every time a relationship stopped,
my phone was there
just watching me fail and flounder.
This is why I've changed my AIM username so many times...

But no matter how much I keep changing
just to try to escape these painful times and memories,
they will always remind me of a better, happier time,
that I don't have right now.

Sunshine
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rBSk20ZRy2I

Sea-Green Eyes

Okay, so I had another weeeeird dream last night.

It started off like this......

So a couple of my friends and I were walking in this designer showcase type thing,
but for swimming pools.
We were at this kind of reclusive pool in the back of the exhibit,
and I slipped and fell in.
The weather was nice and it was sunny out, so I laughed it off and was swimming around.
When it started to get dark out,
my friends decided to leave, but I stayed in a little while longer.
Right as I was about to get out,
my ex-boyfriend, Will, pops out of nowhere
and jumps into the pool with me.
I don't think we had an actual conversation,
but we started playfully splashing each other with water
and swimming underwater together and playfully fighting.
Then it's almost pitch black and Will says
"I better get back to my hotel,
I have an early flight back to college tomorrow.
Do you want to walk me back?"
So I say sure
and we appear in the hallway of the hotel.
We stop in front of his door and I'm thinking,
we're going to kiss. It's undeniable.
But suddenly the door flies open,
and a redheaded chick pops her head out.
Hannah, this is my girlfriend.
Ohhhh snapppp that's awkward.
So we stand there awkwardly for a few minutes,
and we have that major we-almost-kissed tension,
like it won't go away until we kiss for real,
so we hug
and he kisses me on the cheek
and I walk away
feeling like the
biggest
loser
ever
with a weird empty feeling in my body.

Real Life:
My ex-boyfriend is actually in college right now,
and he actually does have a redheaded girlfriend.
I however, don't like him like that
and I'm 100% sure he doesn't like me like that.
I believe that the only reason I dreamt this is because I regret breaking up with him.

Come On Get Higher
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aHx4BlF6V2o

Ink

Sorry I've been gone for 4 days or so,
Phillie called.

I'm supposed to be doing my english homework,
but everytime I pause,
my mind wanders,
and I think about every guy that was a
could've-should've-would've
but wasn't anything at all.

I've definitely had at least 6.
I don't think that's very good
or okay at all.

Am I the problem?
Maybe I hold back too much
because I'm scared of messing everything up
and I don't want to lose him before anything even happened.
But I always lose him anyway.

Is he the problem?
Maybe he's too intimidated by me,
because he thinks I'm expecting him to do something
and doesn't want to make the first move.
But he should learn he'll never get a girl that way.

But after all this,
it could just be my poor judgment.
Maybe I'm fatally attracted to boys who
don't have the balls to make the first move,
don't ever follow through,
and don't ever make an effort.

Or maybe I'm just not that great of a prize for their effort.

Found Out About You
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1qB6XdAkkAo

Throne

I have a bipolar relationship with Valentine's Day.
Here's how it goes:
In the summer, I say it's my favorite holiday because if I had a boyfriend, it would be one of the best days of the year. This is assuming I get a boyfriend by valentine's day. Which leads to...
Wintertime.
I usually have some sort of fling with somebody between the end of November and end of January, which gives some much hope to me. But every year, I get my heart broken sometime around Christmas or Valentine's Day.  Which leads to....
THE MOST SAD/PATHETIC/DEPRESSING DAY OF THE YEAR
aka...HannahDoesn'tHaveALover Day
but oh well.
Some day I will.
Maybe.

Unwell
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WziA88-n02k

Green and Black

I wonder if there is a point
where you've cried for so long
that your body no longer contains tears.
I guess that's why I'm so dehydrated now.

I've cried all of last night after finding out the news
and all of this afternoon.
School was a bitch, and holding in my tears was very difficult.

My stepgrandmother passed away last night
and I found out at 10:00 exactly.

I feel the most pain for my dad
because his mom died when he was in first grade
and his dad remarried when he was 13
and when I was in second grade his dad passed away.
When I was in 6th grade my uncle passed away,
and now all my dad has left is his younger sister.
His stepmom was the only person there for him growing up
and now she's gone.

Every time he closes a door,
or I call and he doesn't answer,
I wonder if I'm going to open the door
and he's going to be lying on the floor dead.

The funny thing about life is that you can predict the birth of a baby,
and you can estimate the common age range to die in,
but everything is purely up to chance.

One moment you could be stressing about a math test,
and the next you could be dead in a car crash.
Life is a mystery,
but I'm just trying to make the most of it.

Edelweiss
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sFHujvkacNY