Vertigo

So I just found this story I wrote in 8th grade, but I reread it and remembered that I added some more stuff in the summer of 9th grade...and I stole some names from people I know in real life and the story is slightly based on my life haha but not everything is correct...

Chapter 1

She knew that down there, in the audience, they were cheering her on.  She hoped on that one fragment of a wish and blew a kiss to the millions of people out there.  The crowd went wild.  “We love you Hannah!!!”  They cried.  No, it wasn’t Hannah Montana they were cheering for.  This is someone new who has stepped into the spotlight.  Someone who has been given a chance to show herself to the world and is standing upon the stage high-fiving the people in the front row.  She is an idol, a big sister, a daughter, a friend, and a role model.  She was-  

“Get out of bed! You’re going to be late for school again!” came the wake up call from mom. 

“Aaaagh!” the muffled sound of my voice came out from under the Hawaiian print duvet that was on top of my head.  I walked out of my room and into the bathroom and splashed my face with water.  I looked up.  My face was a mess, streaked with black lines from my mascara and shiny splotches glistening around my mouth from my lip gloss.  I was a wreck.  I walked back into my room and opened my second closet.  I picked out the usual jean shorts and flowy t-shirt.  I closed the closet door and got dressed.  I walked into the kitchen and groaned.  “Cereal again?”

“Nope!” came the cheery voice of my sister, Hadley. “Leftover eggs!” her voice had changed to sarcastic. “Yummy yummy!”

“Ew!  Why can’t I have something more appetizing?  Like oh, I don’t know, food for the gods?  Oh wait, what’s the other word for gods?  Oh yeah!  Celebrities!” Apparently Hadley wasn’t the only sarcastic one this morning.  I ate my breakfast and went to the bathroom to brush my teeth.  Just my luck, Hadley was there brushing her teeth.  She has the most obnoxious toothbrush.  It plays “Walk Away” by Kelly Clarkson every morning and night.  It’s a good song, but hearing it too many times kind of kills it.

“Can’t you shut that thing off?”

“Uh, yeah, but I like it!” Of course my sister wanted to annoy me.  I guess I would too if I was her. 

After I brushed my teeth I made my bed and threw my miscellaneous stuffed animals onto it.  Then I grabbed my backpack and started out the door.  I hopped into our blue Toyota van and waited for Hadley and mom to get in the car.  My dad yelled out of the bathroom window, “She’s supposed to be riding her bike!” but no one was listening so we took off. 

I walked into my first class of the day, Music Appreciation.  We had a quiz, which was easy and took practically no time at all.  Likewise, the rest of the day was extremely boring as well.

 Chapter 2

 “But for now just take it from me, just listen to me.”  She smiled and let out a giggle as the fans went wild with applause.  She ran backstage to get ready for her next song.  “The last light I saw before I fell in love, were your gorgeous eyes sparkling through the moonlight, baby” She hummed, then took a glance at her back-up band and ran onto the stage.  Cries of joy came louder and louder until they turned into cheers.  “Hannah!  Hannah!” they shouted.  No one else could steal this perfect moment from her except for-

“Brittany!”

“Here!”

“Hannah!” a pause.  “Hannah?”

“Here!  I’m here!” I shouted, waking up from my daydream.  I know I should be awake; it was already third period. 

“Tonight’s homework is to do the self-test on page 253 to 254, numbers one through twenty-eight…” I wrote down my homework and I started to daydream again about summer break.  It was going to be so exciting!  Even though I’m taking a math class to move up to the accelerated course, I’m also practicing water polo on my school’s summer team in the morning.  Maybe if I’m lucky, my boyfriend Will will be there.  (He shares my love for water polo)

Sunday, June 21

Thank the lord I am done with school!  I shouldn’t get too excited thought; I’ve finished my first week of the four-week math class and it’s four and a half hours each day! Unfortunately, I’m stuck with this incoming junior named Terence who has an apparently uncontrollable crush on me.  The worst part is, he flirts with me and even invited me to see Harry Potter 6 with him, and he knows I have a boyfriend!!! Aaaackk and he’s really creepy as well. Hmm…if I’m lucky maybe I can charm my way out of his mind. 

I have another problem as well with Will.  Even though I really like him, I can’t help looking at other guys too! (especially if they’re extremely hot and shirtless) He also is always trying to make out with me, but I don’t want him only to like me because of my looks and so he can kiss me, but also because of my personality.  Too bad that he doesn’t realize this.  My dad always said “Sweet pea, watch out for all boys between the ages of 14 and 60 because no matter what, they all will want to get into your pants”.  Some advice, huh?  Even though this sounded extremely creepy, I never thought Will would fit into this category as well.  I guess you can’t judge a book by its cover, but in Will’s world, he seems to think that he has full cover-judging rights.

Well, thank the lord I finally gained the courage to break up with Will!  A girl like me deserves someone who respects her for whom she is and loves everything about her, even when she completely screws everything up and makes a fool of herself.  When I’m sad and scared, I need a man who will come to comfort me (and who knows how to comfort me instead of saying that kissing will make everything better).

So my point is that I may have found the guy of my dreams!  His name is Chad Wilson and I haven’t even said a word to him in my life but he is absolutely perfect!  He has short brown curly hair and blue eyes, which happen to be my weakness.  I saw him looking at me a couple times so at least he knows I exist…he should because after all I’m on the same water polo team as he is.  Chad joined the swim team just yesterday, but I knew him from before that.  Most girls have.  Chad Wilson is also known as the teen mega-hottie of the century who sings, acts, dances, and joined the water polo team in attempt to “relate with normal people his own age”.  He’s really shy, so I guess that’s a good thing because once I win him over, he won’t be flirting with other girls.  This also means that I will have to make the first move.

 Chapter 3

“Breathe in, breathe out!” her personal stage manager Amber advised.  But she knew out there in the audience he was waiting.  She knew she had to impress him, let him know she was there for him, that she belonged to him and he had to know this.  “Change of song everybody!” she shouted to her band and back-up dancers.  “I’m gonna try the new duet!”  “With who?” Amber questioned.  She responded while grinning broadly, “Chad Wilson.”

Breakover (Song)

Here's the beginning of a new song :)


After every heartbreak
You think I'd let you stay here in my arms
Because I'm that vulnerable

But the cry that tells me to run away
Never fully leaves my heart
Until I see you smile

There's just one thing
That I probably should've told you
Even after all this time
I will always love you

And now
The break's over
I can count on one hand the things
that make me who I am today
I'm proud to say thank you
for all the things you've done to save me
when I was alone the most

Salamander Skin.

The taste of the cold, wet saliva
still moist on the hard solid comfort
which is resting on my parched lips.

The smell that is indescribable,
but once felt,
impossible to forget.

The feeling of my body leaving
and my spirit coming alive
as I breathe in and out.

I suppose that if I tried harder,
this could become a frequent thing.
I guess that's what happened
to you.

And I think that if I was used to this feeling,
I would barely be able to wait for this to happen.
I guess this is how
you feel.

But the lack of comfort and warm that comes with this
is not worth it in the end.
But
I guess this is what it feels like
to be you.

Barrel Roll

Last night I had a dream that I was dying of a lung disease.
But that's irrelevant.
I realized that as I get deeper and deeper into a situation,
I give up on trying to extricate myself from the mess
and instead just look back on the simpler times
and wish I could go back to then.

I think that's why,
when I look at you,
I'm so attracted.
I am worried that your appeal to me is solely because I could start over
with a clean slate.

I always fall for the intriguing,
mysterious men and I never learn that this never works out for me.
I think I'm still waiting for one tangled boy
to come to me
and make up for the mistakes that all the previous ones had made.
But will you fulfill this?
Everything seems perfect,
or so I've been told,
but I'm too afraid of getting hurt.
You must prove to me that you're worth fighting for,
and maybe then I'll fall hard.

But knowing me,
it doesn't take much
to go head over heels
in 2 seconds.

Perspective

So here I am, babysitting (I didn't kill the kid yet which is a good sign...)
and it seems like just yesterday I was living in Massachusetts and I was the one being babysat.
I've come a long way from the Hannah I used to be,
and the journey was worth it.
Here are some of my more favorite moments in my life (and me growing up):

I think this was kindergarten...

Oman when I was in first grade.

My sister and I in my favorite beech tree in MA.

I swear I didn't kill the dog! Buddy as a puppy with me as a 5th grader.

Sixth grade at Sequoia.

Learning to surf in Hawaii, 7th grade...these were the pre-bikini days...

Sister bonding time; Hawaii.

Winning a visual art award.

8th grade graduation.





















Tessa and I at Lake Havasu, Arizona, summer after 8th grade.

After hiking Mt. Washington, NH.

Anna and I backpacking through Escalante, Utah, freshman year.

Frosh volleyball- (aka life before water polo)

The start of my water polo career :)

Las Vegas with Sallie on our Father-Daughter trip.

I guess I kinda had to put prom in here...

Slalom skiing in New Hampshire.

This is priceless :)

Buddy and I, all grown up :)

Varsity polo :)

Winter Formal '09

Sister, sister...

Christmas '09

Junior Dance '10  (best high school dance so far...)

More of that sister love...

Bahamas Spring Break '10

My fourth year sailing...first year in the Caribbean

All the friends :) ASB Dance '10

My dad is a world-famous scientist :) oh and hey there James Cameron...

Couldn't forget my little sister :)

Sums up my friends/life...haha

Someday, we're gonna be crazy.




Well, life is a tough journey to travel through, but I'm so glad I'm here right now :)
Thank you world for throwing crazy turns in my path,
and teaching me how to survive.
I owe you my life.

Hide and Seek

Normally when I climb this mountain,
by this time I've hit the start of the climax
and bullet straight to the sky.
So why are we slowly walking downhill?

Retracing our steps,
everyday,
and it takes so long on these switchbacks to make any progress,
which is why we are retrogressing into our past.
I only wish that we could go so far back...

And I could only climb so high
before you pull me back down,
unwilling to take another step.
Why are you afraid?

You could fear losing who you are,
but I know that this will never change.
Believe me,
I've been there.

Maybe one girl is not enough for your evident needs,
and I will never fulfill
everything
you've ever wanted.

But my favorite option
is that if I knew,
you would be ashamed,
and the closer you come to me,
the more you are putting at risk of me knowing.
But I know,
and this knowledge is the key to your downfall.

I hold your world in my pocket,
and if I pressed the button,
you would crash and come running back to me.
So where are the alarms?
The walls that fly up to keep you captive?
The sirens to threaten you?
The sound of your footsteps
coming up behind me?

Why are you never there when you are supposed to be?

Martyr

I am on the verge of self-discovery.
It's seems funny because I know I'm young,
and I shouldn't have this knowledge and burden,
but I carry it every day and ask myself why.
Now I think I know.

I am not here for love.
It is possible for some one to love me,
but I cannot love them back.
I am incapable of feeling love.
It does not seem to make sense
and I know that I will get a lot of doubt from this,
but in my head I think it is true.
I will never be in a relationship for my benefit as well.
Instead, I will carry my partner's worries
and fears
and pains
and sorrows
because that is my purpose in life.

I am not here to play a role in my family.
I watch them go on with their lives
and I can not disturb them with mine,
but I will always be there to listen and accept their misery
and take it as my own.

I am not here to be a hero.
I will never be one,
as my lack of ability to stand up for myself
and to help someone.
I take the pains of the people as my own,
and wear the burden on my own back.
In doing this,
I will always be pushed to the bottom.

It's the long, summer days I strive for.
Days spent relaxed in the hot sun,
when I don't have to be there for others.
I can let go of my body and become someone else,
a spirit, maybe,
a preacher of stories.

But when this is over,
I will go back to the daily trudge,
climbing up endless mountains
but refusing to give out.

Protector

You have two sides;
one is full of love,
and the other is a monster.

Whenever we're together,
the loving, caring, sweet side comes out
and I couldn't be happier.
Just having you by my side is enough to calm me.

But your other side always has to
creep in, and you leave, and I don't know where you're going.
I'm left in the dark,
but I'm not that stupid.
I know what you're doing,
when you go with them and leave me,
cause you never want me to know.

And so when you're not around
I scramble to the highest peak and
I scream
I shout
and my desperate cries echo boundlessly,
with no end
and no replies come.
No help.
No one cares but me.

And I've tried to fix this
without you knowing,
playing my cards the right way,
casually suggesting ideas in conversation,
but you shoo them away like a bee.
If you are stung, you will change,
but you can't let this happen,
and I have no idea why.
I can only imagine the worst,
but I won't let this words escape my mouth
because speaking them will make them true.

If I can get
your loving side
to leave the monster,
win in battle,
then maybe I can rest in peace.

This is the reason why I am on this earth.
I am a Protector,
and if I fail
then many lives are in danger,
including my own.

Spring to the Sky

If my life was a musical made into a movie, these would be the numbers:

1. Prelude (Involving the entire cast, friends, enemies, boys, the whole deal including actual dancing and basically describing my life and how it is happy and water polo and school and butterflies yay)
2. The First Dilemma (lead character and unnamed hot boy at the pool deck, loads of anticipation about something that might happen)
3. Your Smooth Moves Shine in the Light of Your Smile (Lots of talking and princess dresses and loud music and most of the cast and boys putting jackets on pretty girls who smell like fire)
4. Lonely Nights (waiting in the snow and just the lead character and loads of lost anticipation about something that could've happened)
5. The Daily Grind (Life going back to normal, getting ready for some party that has low standards and will probably be not-so-decent)
6. The Way I Feel [Climber] (The post-party feeling of happiness and ecstasy and "did this just happen?" and nothing is better and you know you're on the verge of something huge but your too happy and elated to think clearly)
7. The Way You Feel [I Don't Know] (new boy, extremely bipolar, lots of computers and phones)
8. The Way You Feel [Reprise] (Switch to minor key, dark notes signifying confusion and miscommunication)
9. A Rock and a Hard Place (Lying down in grass and picking clovers, while another boy stands behind with the bomb in his hand, already imploded on themselves)
10.  Butterflies (too much assumption that the night will be good, this scene provides irony for the next)
11. A Rock and a Hard Place (Crying, darkness but flashing lights and the whole cast)
12. The Goal of a Fighter (can anyone say CIF...mhmm?)
13. The Way I Feel [Reprise] (Finally everything works out right and happily ever after yay awesome party attack)
14. Closing Number (same as opening...full cast...i just need a name..)


and so basically i might actually write lyrics for these numbers one day...keep tuned...

Parallel

I thought that I would be over this by now,
and I would go back
to chasing you mindlessly.

But I realized that a few months apart
can really be translated into years of experience
especially with you.

The more information I absorb,
the more I slowly lose my innocence,
and I can never go back and retrace my steps,
but only continue down this dark path.
I feel like I'm being pushed every day,
unwillingly,
to discover more and more
of the secrets life hold for me.

But it's a nightmare,
and I try to turn around and run
and with every step I strain backward,
only to be pushed forward ten steps.
My problem is that I look around along the route,
and absorb all that surrounds me,
while you aimlessly wander
with no hint that you're ruining your life
because you don't have the information to understand it.

I wish I could go back to the days
when the Prince Charming knew more than she did,
and no matter what she knew,
he was aways the smarter one,
he was always one step ahead of her.
But now she knows too much.

Flush Forever

In perspective,
it's a child's games,
that we used to play at recess
on the playground,
with all the classmates singing about us being in a tree
and k-i-s-s-i-n-g.

But this innocence is found once again
in the way you smile at me,
face blushing pink,
and I grin and say hey.

It's found when you turn around
and wave
and I flashback to the times when we would skip together
in the grass
under the sun
and share a reluctant hug goodbye

And although these moments
are cherished,
the ones I love the most are those
when you hold me
and it means something,
no longer playing,
and my future flashes in front of my eyes.

However,
there's the worst part,
when I realize how much I've matured.
She talked today of how the children are so young,
and do not understand the truth
in life and death
but I know.
It's valuable,
and coming so close to losing it left a scar on me.
I wear it every day and try to forget,
but I am not pure.
I lost my one chance of being reborn
by committing to this mistake.

Someday you might understand,
but you're too young now,
so I won't try to develop this seeing in your eyes
in order to heal mine.