Rush

The feeling of racing,

when your heart beats so fast 

that it's almost climbing out of your chest

trying to break free,

always happens when I'm with you.

The natural beauties in life sparkle and glisten around me,

but disappear when I'm with you because I can't see anything else

but your eyes.

And when you leave,

and the parting is blissful and reluctant,

the sparking returns 

and flies to my eyes

and I walk with a glisten,

a glow,

a smile,

and it's our little secret.

No one else knows why.

But I've got your trust,

your grin,

and your love in my pocket

to keep for whenever I'm in doubt.

And you'll always be there for me.

Africa

They say when you find love,
it's aways easy, flowing, and magical.
But I beg to differ.

Love is a rough road to drive down,
full of potholes, boulders, bumps, and detours.
But it's not about cheating
and taking an airplane instead;
it's about learning who you are through the journey.

Many say that love is about finding your soulmate,
the perfect person who will always be there for you,
and love you no matter what happens.
But it's not supposed to solely depend on your lover;
it depends on how you change yourself.
A healthy relationship is one where you can see yourself grow,
and blossom,
and grow confidence
and learn who you're supposed to be.

An unhealthy one stops,
cuts off the flow of blood,
until all circulation ceases.

All I ever wanted from you
was to have you love me,
but now I know better.
I really need you to lead me down the path
of self-discovery,
and I think I chose you correctly.
Please don't prove me wrong.

Champagne

First off, I just wanna say check out the band Let's Get It cause they're awesome possum.
(my favorites are Do Not Disturb and Duck Duck Grey Goose)

And now I'm going to reflect on the past year.  I was thinking today about the Pet and Hobby Show on Friday, and that brought back some screwed up memories from last year.
I can't 
scratch that. I don't want to go back there. ever again.

Anyways,
I basically have nothing to say today except:
~Boys suck. Don't trust them.
~If you don't receive immediate results, stick with what you're doing and in time it'll pay off.
~Friends can be found in the weirdest places.
~Don't judge people based on what other people think of them, judge them by what you think of them.
~Life isn't Life until you start Living it.

goodnight.

Why?

Wow.
I can't even count the number of days I've been in denial.
And now I know it's true.
How could I not see the inevitability of me falling in love with you?
It's incredible.
And late...

If only I had realized this sooner,
before I was rejected a few weeks ago.
When you were always the one who would
dance with me,
talk to me,
walk with me,
laugh with me,
and hug me,
when I was the one who accepted it without second thoughts.

But when I hurt,
and you weren't there,
it deepened the suffering by a million times.
You will never understand the depth to which I dreamt late at night
of only one chance to make things right with you.
Broken fragments,
floating above my head,
of the times we spent together happily.
I miss those carefree summer dog days.

I can only wish that I could've known sooner.
It took a lot of pain to realize how much you meant to me,
but I needed to suffer to figure this out.

Rejection.

I saw that picture of you,
and I had a flashback to that night,
and I remembered everything that happened,
and how much I liked you.
I can't believe this is the same person.
Was I nobody?
I thought I was somebody,
but you pick her back up like she never left you.

I hate her.

But I shouldn't
because I don't like you,
yet I'm still jealous.

I thought I was better.
She's ugly.
She's a slut.
She's stupid.
And she's also your type I guess.
I can do so much better than sink down to this type you have,
so why am I stuck?

No matter what type of rejection,
it will always hurt.
Always.

Living

My second name is Lazy.
That's what it appears to be on the surface,
but if they only knew why then they might think something different...

I have so much to deal with,
that sometimes I don't want to do anything.
Some days,
I can't face the world.
I can't get up.
And sure, you might say this is a teenager thing,
but as the year drags by, with few moments to laugh about,
the days grow longer,
slower,
and slowly drift by
as I make nothing of my existence.

When I leave this world,
what footprint will I leave in my place?
I don't know.
I wish I was one of those people who say
"I'm going to face the fire,
conquer my enemies,
and live in my dreams"
But I'm the kind of person who says
"I'm going to sleep in today,
hope something good happens,
and dream through my whole life."

I have all these dreams
that will never come true
because I don't have the might,
the mental strength,
or the fight to push through the hard times.

You can either to live and barely slip by,
or make everything worth it.
This is the difference between living and Living.

Delve

I love this feeling of falling.
I will walk to the music,
and follow in your footsteps
always behind you,
but never beside.

I can look up to the sky,
and know that the rain is listening to me.
It tells me to keep moving,
and I do.

With every step,
the water grazes my face gently,
pressing me on passionately,
and I am happy.

I ran down the stairs,
laughing until I saw your eyes
and everything sunk in again.

But noon changed this.
I am no longer hiding in your shadow,
but outside of the snowglobe
looking in at your mistakes.
And I will reflect on you,
and carelessly accept that this is how it goes.

I'm alright now,
and I will always be from this moment.



~I'll never be your beast of burden~

Rainbow

It's a perfect day,
the sun is shining,
and everyone is happy.
Pretty simple.

But one event goes wrong,
hurts slightly,
and ruins this perfect image.
But it snowballs,
and rolls into time after time,
each tiny thing building up
to crash on top of me.

So many times after this chain
has lashed me to the ground
have I brought the knife to my skin,
prepared to relieve myself of this pain.

So many times
have I planned it out perfectly,
escaped my house,
to think clearly before
my hands reach my throat,
the blade pierces my skin,
or the water pulls me in.

But so many times
have I
stopped
halted
seized
to follow through,
because there's too much to lose.

So I thank you, my loved ones, friends, and passions
to keep me here on this day.
Life is a troubling path,
but you must stay on it to reach the pot of gold at the end of the journey.

Fearless

So Taylor Swift made a list of things she thinks are fearless, and I decided to make one of my own.

1. Helping a friend even if they don't want it and when it may possibly destroy your friendship.
2. Chasing after a guy even when you know he doesn't love you back, and maybe never will.
3. Sticking up for a friend when they are being hurt by others.
4. Standing up in front of a crowd and doing what you love.
5. When you miss the game-winning goal/point/basket and accept that it wasn't your fault.
6. Being who you want to be, even when other people hate who you truly are.

I will probably think of more later cause I'm blanking out right now haha

Beautiful

I don't know what it is that makes me so attracted to this type.
It's like he turned  switch on in me
and I always fall for the bad guys.
Maybe it's cause the bad guys fall for me.

But I get this idea every time,
like "maybe I can change him,
and this will make us have the strongest relationship"
because in tough times,
you realize who you love.

But it's always wrong,
and usually the guy doesn't love you enough to change.

But today I learned that
I am beautiful
no matter who thinks so.
And whether you are a friend,
or someone in love with me,
or a family member,
I thank you for reminding me to stay myself,
and to keep on shining
even when I feel like crashing.

~Thank you.

Stony Ground

I was stubborn.
I thought the problem wasn't that I had bad judgement,
it was just that you didn't live up to my standards.

But if you trace it back,
way back,
to where we first met,
I realize that it was all my fault.
How could I ever charge you guilty?
It's your own fault that you took this path,
but it's my fault for worrying about you still.

And yet I can't stop.
It's been long enough
since I swore to give up on you,
but I still have these panic attacks
where I can't remember who I am
or who you are
or why I'm alive

I lose track of the world's beauty
and I try to find myself time
and time again.

I wish I could let go
and become my own person.
It's time for my own flower to bloom,
and the only thing holding it back is me.

Resistance

I used to think that one day,
Prince Charming would come
and sweep my off my feet.
But now I know better.

All people originating from the male race
are wimps,
cowards,
scaredy-cats
who won't tell a girl he doesn't like her to her face,
he won't tell her to leave him alone to her face,
and won't tell her that he loves her to her face.

But secretly,
I still hope for the guy who proves me wrong.
And when I protest,
he will listen.
And when I reject him, and pray that he returns,
he will come back.
And when I say "I love you"
he will say it and mean it.
And he will stay,
and persuade me that I am beautiful,
even when I'm not.
And this is love.

Under Pressure

It's so hard to live through.
Every day, just waiting in anticipation.
I can imagine all the possible outcomes,
but I may never know what happens.
This is the hardest part.
Every day,
uncontrollably,
tears speckle my eyes,
and start to flow softly down my cheeks
as I try to choke them back before someone notices.
I'm cracking, and a waterfall is about to break through.

Mindwaves

All I can do is wait.

When patience is a virtue,

I am a sponge.

I wait, 

and soak up all given information,

every tiny, sly hint

that might give away their thoughts.

I wait,

to know what they have decided

and what will happen to you.

I wait,

and yearn for the time when I will discover

if we are still friends.

In my head,

I'm holding your hand to help you make it through this.

Please pull through.

Hindsight (Song)

It's the saddest story of all time

Could've been different but he let it all unwind

Led down a path 

By a girl who didn't love him back.

We move together

But I'll never forget the way

He was kissing her

He's probably gonna be taking her home
And I'll be wishing that he was alone
Walk her to the front door in the pouring rain
He doesn't even know that things will never be the same
I can't help but wish I was her
But seeing what he's done makes leaving him easier

I thought he'd never sink down so low
Let go of the girl who knew him all along
But I see that he was blind, in hindsight
And I was so foolish last night

We move together

But I'll never forget the way

He smelled like her

He's probably gonna be taking her home

And I'll be wishing that he was alone

Walk her to the front door in the pouring rain

He doesn't even know that things will never be the same

I can't help but wish I was her

But seeing what he's done makes leaving him easier

How could he forget me

How could he forget the things we've done

And how he led me on for so long

Well baby it's impossible

He's probably gonna be taking her home

And I'll be sitting there waiting alone

I see him walk her to the front door in the pouring rain

He doesn't even know that I'll never see him the same way

I can't help but wish I had him now

But seeing what he's done makes leaving him easier

Monster

The only way to truly heal a wound is with time.
Your cuts were minor,
only slight slits into the skin,
but last night changed everything.
You took a newly sharpened knife,
glistening in the moonlight,
and I could see you coming toward me with it
but I did not try to protect myself.
It was too late.
You plunged the blade into my heart
with no regret,
no emotion,
and no cares.

One day,
my heart will heal,
but my scar will always be there
reminding me of what you've done.
You're a monster,
that lures in prey through those kind,
gentle,
innocent eyes.
But you can only pretend to be innocent for so long.

I don't know what to do with you.

Rain

You don't need to change yourself when people love who you are.
But you don't seem to know that.

I wish it was like a movie,
where everything moves in slow motion,
and you're walking away,
confused,
in a daze
and I see you and I know what you've done and I could've stopped it
and I turn around and you see me and I'm crying,
and you understand what you've done wrong
and you apologize a million times
and you hold me in your arms
and we hug
and the world
is
right.

But that's not how it went.

It went like a typical high school dance gone wrong.
The couples making out and snuggling like it's supposed to be,
the ex-boyfriend with one of your good friends, practically getting it on,
the typical girl running away from the scene with her best friend
begging her not to cry
but it's already too late.
and then you know it's bad when he walks back into the picture
confused
in a daze
and you se me crying
but you don't know why
and you say you're sorry
but with that lost, bewildered, tired tone I've grown to know over the past night.
And you don't even know.

I can cry.
I can let my feelings pour like rain from the ceiling of my bedroom,
but nothing will ever be the same.
I can let the water float me,
then drown me,
and it won't change a thing.

I can't hide it.
You've changed.
The world cries with me.

Compass

I just woke up from this dream
and I figured out everything.
Just when I thought I was over you,
I became worried that I wasn't,
but now I know the truth.
I want to be friends.
And that's it.
But then there's the part of the dream
that tells me something bigger-
and that is who I am as a person.
I never really thought about being anything other than Hannah,
but I still have time to change.

Denial

I am not in denial.
Although I suppose by saying this,
it shows that I am in denial.
But I'm not.  I swear.
I just need time to think, recuperate, and get my thoughts together.
That's what I'll do tonight.
I'll sleep, and my mind will silently whir away
Scratching at all my problems
Until they peel apart
one
by
one
and when I wake up, I'll know where I'm headed.

You Don't Deserve Me (Song)

So here's a song I wrote today during my free period.

How long will it take you
To find a girl
Who sticks by your side
Through thick and thin?
Well that girl's not me.

I thought I told you a thousand times
That you weren't right for me
But I guess you couldn't see it any other way

Just give up
You're trying too hard for something
That will never happen
So let me be

For all this time I could've sworn
That we were just friends
And now you tell me that we should take another path
But you don't deserve me
So I'm gonna stick with the one who loves me
Because he's sweeter than you
Maybe next time you won't be so late.

I've been through this a thousand times
I thought I couldn't hit you over the head
Any harder

So baby just give up
You will never own
Any respect for me
So let this go

For all this time I could've sworn

That we were just friends

And now you tell me that we should take another path

But you don't deserve me

So I'm gonna stick with the one who loves me

Because he's sweeter than you

Maybe next time you won't be so late.

This seems to be the card

You always play

But I won't be there next time

Begging you to change

Because it's over

Oh it's over

Tonight

For all this time I could've sworn

That we were just friends

And now you tell me that we should take another path

But you don't deserve me

You don't deserve me

For all this time I could've sworn

That we were just friends

And now you tell me that we should take another path

So I'm gonna stick with the one who loves me

Cause you don't deserve me

Baby you'll never deserve me

And maybe next time you won't be so late.

6 AM

I couldn't sleep.
Every time I tossed
and turned
I flipped over and hit a new sore spot.
But that isn't the main problem.

With every movement I thought of you.
I woke up early from this feverish sleep
thinking of
your eyes,
your smile
and everything about you that I can't decide whether to love or let be.

I laid there,
just staring at the stars on my ceiling,
faintly glowing,
signifying the arrival of Dawn.
But I still haven't left this Night.

Split Differences

I'm caught between two sides.

There is the part of me that wants to cherish this friendship,
this once in a lifetime thing for me,
because I may never have this connection again.

But then there's the sweet, enticing side
That lures me in every time I look into your eyes,
and I can't focus on what I truly want.

I've been told that my eyes light up when I look at you.
Maybe it's true,
But I can't tell for sure.

What I can tell is that you are supposed to be with the person who
makes you laugh,
is always going to be there for you,
loves you even when you do stupid things,
and most importantly:
Will never let you down.

It's funny how this list also describes the qualities of a best friend...

Curiosity Killed the Cat

It's kind of funny, actually.
I can't put my finger on what it is
that makes you so attractive,
and me so helplessly curious to know more.

My fatal flaw: curiosity.
I want to know more about you,
and I can't wait til Friday night.
but I'm curious to know what you're thinking,
but I can't read minds.

It's not fair,
and I always wish I knew everything,
but I'm pretty sure if I had this power over people,
I would regret it.

Sometimes, it's better to be naive,
or at least pretend to be.

Pulse

At the beginning, we're all nervous.
It's the kind of awkward feeling
when no one really knows what might happen.
But it's inevitable.

The crowd gets bigger,
louder,
wilder,
and soon it drags me in, too.

I love the beat.
The rhythm.
The pulsing
of the bass,
pounding into my blood
and it doesn't stop there.
My bones shake,
and my body sways
cause it can't get better than this.

I feel everyone around me,
moving completely synchronized,
and its' awesome.
Otherworldly.
I don't have to be myself,
or remember who I am.
I can
just
let
go
for once, and live without worry.

All I need is someone who can keep up.

Unnatural [Song]

I have another song I wrote about a month ago, and I never posted it on here cause I was being lazy, but here it is now :)

When it all started
You made your move
and you don't even know how well
I fell under your spell

But I'm trying not to lead you on
Although my emotions tell me which way
I should be heading
Because

We can never be together
Because of the way things are
And it's not natural
For this to happen
And for now it won't work out
Because we can't be seen together
Just give it time, people will change
and we'll grow older
But for now, let it go
we're just friends

How could I
try to play you like a game
Cause I've never been good at chess
Every time I make a move you think of another way

I know you're trying
and it's working cause I can't get away
I know which way I should be heading
But I can't move there because

We can never be together

Because of the way things are

And it's not natural

For this to happen

And for now it won't work out

Because we can't be seen together

Just give it time, people will change

and we'll grow older

But for now, let it go

we're just friends

And how is this

Killing me so slowly

You'll keep making moves

and I'll keep fighting

Even though, in the end

We'll never benefit 

from any of this

because

We can never be together

Because of the way things are

And it's not natural

For this to happen

And for now it won't work out

Because we can't be seen together

Just give it time, people will change

and we'll grow older

But for now, let it go

we're just friends